When I Dream~

Woke Felix up early in the morning to help me print the rental agreement. So sorry! He will be joining us for lunch tomorrow to pass me the printout as well. Have to trouble him. Sighz.. Feels bad. Had a very heated argument with my sis in office over the phone today. Wasn't good. She hung up on me coz I told her off. What I regret is even bothering to call her! I don't give a damn whether she visits Dad or not, but the things she said simply made me blow my top. She told me that she needs a break. What break? She didn't visit Dad for 2 weeks, then she visits him for 1 day coz Aunt Mic scolded her. Said she will visit him tomorrow. Even Dad doubts her words. I asked her what break she needed when she barely visits Dad and she claimed that it was coz she was sick. Then she kept emphasizing that she will be visiting Dad tomorrow anyway. Told her that I was talking about today. She told me, "Nobody asked u to go everyday what." WTF! It's coz u don't go everyd...

Quite a boring day at work.. Nothing much to do coz nearing month end. Month end always has lesser deals but we've got to prepare and do a lot of work on the last day and 1st few days of the month. Had a talk with Joyce, my ex-boss today. Chatted for about half an hour. Was a good chat. Talked about work, relationships both personal and work wise, my dad, etc. I love talking to her coz she's been like a mother to me throughout all this time. She was the one who gave me the opportunities and she's been encouraging me on what I should do. I'm really grateful to her. Carissa mummy has also been supporting and encouraging me throughout the last few years. Without them, I wouldn't have stayed on for so long. She has been there for me when I was down and out. She's seeing a happy me now and she's happy for me but yet, keeping my feet on the ground with her words of wisdom. She has been a pillar of strength for me and I appreciate it lots! Thanx mummy! Felix, no pr...

Before anyone starts criticising or have any comments about why I am in another relationship again, there are some things I need to make clear. I did not get myself pissed drunk the 2nd half of last year for no reason. I did not go drinking coz I was happy nor do I enjoy the feeling of hangover or vomitting like mad. I did not go on trips coz I was rich. I did not do a lot of the things I did coz I was a contented with life or happy about how things are going. My life was a mess... I was a mess. Ask Felix how much I cried, how much I drank, how much I vomitted. He saw the worst side of me when I didn't want anyone to see me that way. He saw me at my most vulnerable yet I had to be strong in every single way. It took a lot of courage and time, and of coz a lot of events, before I was ready to move on. It hasn't exactly been a smooth road for me for the last 6 months but I'm glad that when I decided to move on, things went my way. K.. I'm back in Singapore from my very fa...

Had my letter regarding how much bonus I would get. Was quite surprised by the amount, especially when my ranking was only 3, instead of the normal 2 that I get. Was only expecting a $1000 to $2000 bonus, but this was more than that. Good in a way. My tv conked out on me last nite and I am now, tv-less. Sighz... Increment will only be known 2 weeks later. Been in a pretty good mood today. Not coz of the bonus but more coz I am looking forward to my Bangkok trip tomorrow. It's a good feeling. Thanks to Carissa mummy, Felix and Meng for cheering me up and being so concerned about me! I am touched!! JZ met with an accident just now. Gave me such a scare when the sms was so short.. Thank God he's ok and it was just a minor one where his car was the one being knocked into. At least he's safe and sound, that's all that matters to me. Had a discussion with my boss today regarding the staff event for 1st quarter. Decided on certain stuff and had to check on some other details. ...

Crying now. Arguing with buddy. 8 years.. 8 years of friendship.. If my blood continues to boil everyday at work, I'll be joining my dad in the hospital beside him real soon. Have you ever seen a msg like this when u ask someone for help? "I need u to do expiry report and all new deals (if any) in afternoon coz I need to do brokerage. Ok." 1st reaction was.. FUCK U! Sorry about the vulgarity again. Lemme re-type the same msg and note the words I have bold. "I need u to do expiry report and all new deals (if any) in afternoon coz I need to do brokerage. Ok." WTF!!! What does he mean by I NEED to do??? I don't NEED to help him and I am definitely NOT obliged to do so. Can't he be more polite when asking someone for help??? I kept it in me til I realised I won't be able to get over it. Told Ed gor about it and how he rebutted Mel very rudely. I can't stand his lousy attitude anymore. Left at 6.30pm and as I was crossing to Century Square, Ed gor cal...

Just came back. Tired. This post will be in short sentences coz I wanna make it quick and sleep by 1am. Now is 12.37am... Work this morning was hectic. Many problems. The reversal entries I posted given to me by the futures team in Australia were wrong. Ended up with duplicate entries in both compen and suspense (Sorry for being too technical). Had to re-post the entries. Felt bad enough and there were so many entries to pass for the daily work today. Gopi had to ask me to do volume stats. Felt like slapping him there and then coz I wanted to do it yesterday but coz I had to cover him, I had no time to update and he had the nerve to rush me for it. IDIOT! Lunch. Complained about the morning to the girls and Winston. Couldn't contain the anger. As if I wasn't angry enough, my platform heels had to come apart during lunch. Went to cobbler to try to glue back but he told me that I won't be able to wear it immediately after glueing. Decided to buy a new pair of heels instead. F...

Work today was alright at first.. I was busy with proofing and my GST stuff. Received a mail from Marina asking if I wanna join her to do Options confirmations. Told her to look out for settlements for me instead. Not interested in confirmations. All was good and peaceful with each of us busy with our own work. Thought I could finish GST today but.. Gopi had to come to me at 4pm asking me to cover him for the afternoon so that he could do brokerage. I was like.. WHAT?? U want me to cover you but u're only telling me at 4pm!! And he didn't even print the confirmations for the day when he could have done it the day before!! I don't understand why he can't print confirmations the day before. Sydney sends to us 1 day in advance to prepare and yet, he likes doing it last minute. Ya ya, I know.. He has ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD! I don't!!! Was complaining to Evans when Ed gor saw the msg on my screen. He asked why I was helping Gopi to do and for how long. I said I dunno....

Friday (18 Jan 2008) Had 2 dept meetings today. 1st meeting was pretty much a waste of time talking about the 4th quarter results and any questions we might have. 2nd meeting was held coz of some errors in the deals that we have made so far. Discussed about how to improve and to make work flow smoother. Gopi seemed totally uninterested in the discussion and had no input as well. Not sure if it's coz he doesn't know what's going on or he just can't be bothered. Ended work at 9.30pm and headed to Ikea together with Mel. Walked around, chatted and shopped while waiting for JZ to pick me up. Things that were there last week are no longer there this week! Bought a laundry basket for myself and that was all. Intro JZ to Mel and Mel went off to meet her bf at Orchard. Wanted to go Giant next door but was too hungry. Headed to eat zhi cha (cooked food) at a coffee shop at Bedok. Food there is quite nice but we couldn't finish the tofu. :p Filling meal! Went to my sis's ...

It's been a gloomy week.. Office is axing people. 5 from front end got axed today. Not sure if it's voluntary or unexpected. Honestly, I don't mind being 1 of the people being axed. Wanna change job anyway. Another boring day at work today. Feel so lifeless. I'm a workaholic. Having no work to do at all the whole afternoon is a killer. Sighz.. Read thro some of the old mails that I've kept throughout the years in this company. Some were so funny that I still laugh when I read them. Some were sad.. Some were sweet. I realise I miss chatting with KK a lot! We used to email each other so frequently, esp after he changed to another company. Messaged him today. :p Time to catch up with him soon I think. Visited Dad. He is in a ward of 5 people and the 3 beds opposite him, have seen so many patients come and go. But Dad and the old man next to Dad have been there throughout. Haha. Faint.. Today, I had a sudden worry and phobia.. Something which I haven't really experi...

Had a super lousy day at work today. It's not so much the work, but the people. How do I start describing? Hmmz.. Work today was boring. There was no deal at all. Not sure if it's due to the announcement of our losses last nite. All I did was my morning daily stuff and checked the confirmation of an old deal as Legal Dept had just amended the confirmation. And that's when I got pissed. Gopi (I see no need in hiding his name anymore) claimed that the confirmation was ok and could be sent to customer. When Mel, Ed gor and I checked, we found several points that weren't clear and we had to discuss about them. In the end, we managed to reduce the doubts to 3 and we called the dealer to discuss with her. Throughout this whole time, Gopi didn't bother about what we were doing. Such fantastic attitude.. Then I happened to see a mail that Ed gor was typing and I realised that my current boss appointed Gopi to help out for D&D registration this Sat. Not sure if he is to ...

Went to the round market for lunch today. Walked there and perspired a lot. But feels good coz it made me feel more alive. :) Considered quite a good exercise. Haha. Felix came by for a while.. To pass Rach VCDs. Soooo sweet~~~ Haha. Met a sales guy from 1 of the resorts at Sentosa. Felix was the contact person in the past as the leader of the staff event committee and now, it has become my baby. Sighz... Kinda interesting though. Think I like doing such stuff more than the normal work I do. Haha. Was talking to JZ last week about this topic actually. I've always wanted do event management but I know my family will never approve of it, especially the kind of hours that I'll have to work. Plus, it will make me age faster. But.. Sighz.. Guess it's not entirely up to me to decide anyway. Visited Dad after work today. Reached around 8.15pm. My naughty Dad was counting the days that I didn't visit him. And he even used hand signal to tell me that there's 7 days in a week...

Blogging seems to have become a daily ritual for me. Feels pretty uneasy to not write everyday, and when I don't write, I try to update all the days together in 1 post. :) Hopefully people reading my blog won't find me too long-winded. Didn't visit Dad today again. Worked til 9.30pm and I left not coz I finished my work but coz JZ was waiting for me downstairs. Sweet of him to pick me up and have dinner with me. :p Else, I won't eat again. ^.^ Today's a really busy day where again, I had to help both my dept now and my former dept resolve their issues. Kinda tiring I must say. Too many problems. Plus the fact that I have a deadline to re-check the confirmations done for 16 structured deals by this Wednesday. It's insane. Been staring at the computer til my eyes are gonna drop out. Hopefully I can finish checking all the deals by tomorrow so that I don't have to work late and can visit Dad. Went to Chinatown for dinner with JZ . Wanted to eat porridge and ...

11 Jan 2008 (Friday) Left office on the dot today. Was teaching Sonny some new deals coz his 3 months with us in Trops is almost completed. Another MA leaving us soon. He's a nice guy, friendly and smart. He learns fast. :) He said that I learn fast and I teach fast too. Haha. Told him I'm not sure about the learning part coz that will have to depend on what my mentors think. :p Mahesh was nice enough to say I learn fast but sometimes, he's such a joker that I'm not sure I can trust him. Haha. Rushed to hospital to visit Dad. He's as naughty as ever. His phlegm was slightly bloody.. Didn't get to talk to the doc but notified the nurse. :) Haven't been to see him over the weekend as there was really too many things to do. Sighz... JZ came to the hospital to pick me up and we went to Ikea. Was kinda rush coz we only had 1 hour before the place close for the day. Mahesh was there with his wife too.. But didn't get a chance to bump into him. Haha. We had a q...

Had a very boring day at work today. Spent 2 hours in the afternoon updating the captions of my pics from my Sydney trip & Egypt trip. Haha. That's how bored I was... Had lunch with Ow today. We had a long chat about work. When I had tea break with Raymond (CPB) today at the pantry, we touched on the same topic. Talking about rating for performance appraisal, bonus and increment, in no way can we be compared with other banks. This is ridiculous. Sighz.... I think it's time I leave this place and move on to another job. Will look for something... I just realised that I suddenly had mental block. I just stared at my laptop and I dunno what to write. Total black out kinda feeling. Weird... Sighz.. Shall go eat something now (11pm), hang up my laundry n go to bed.. Nitez.

Wanted to sleep at 12.30am actually but it is 12.30am now. Shucks! Had a busy day at work today. Solving an issue of why we did not receive funds from counterparty's agent bank took us 4 hours! Sighz.. Went thro so many channels and resources before it was finally resolved. Tiring! Plus 2 new deals at the timing of 6.50pm is enough to make u wanna kill people. Esp when u are still checking the deal and the dealer has gone home! ARGH! Visited Dad late. Luckily JZ picked me up from office and sent me there. He waited for me outside the ward playing with my new Nintendo DS Lite while I went to chat with Dad. At 1 point in time, Dad stroked my face and hair and wanted to cry. Had to tell him not to cry and that I won't desert him. Sighz.. The thing about me is that I can never watch or look at someone cry coz that will make me cry too. Good thing I can control myself. :) The bad point was that, the old man diagonally across Dad's bed in the ward passed away and I saw the nurses...

Home again.. Was sooo tired at work today that I spaced out a lot, including during dinner with Khim. Sighz.. Not a good sign. I look horrible.. Nothing much to write actually. Had something on my mind on the way home but can't seem to remember what I was thinking about that I wanted to write down. Sighz.. Getting old. Supposed to type this phrase in yesterday's post but forgot. Haha. This phrase is from Jacky Cheung's concert... 爱，不是牺牲，不是占有，不是成全。拥有爱的时候，记得让爱自由。失去爱的时候，就要让爱自由。 "Love is not about sacrificing, not about possessing, not about giving up. When you have found love, remember to let love be free. When you have lost love, you should let it be free." The English translation (done by me) sounds weird but I like the Chinese phrase. Enjoy!

Jus finished my shower.. Waiting for my laundry to be done so here I am, sitting on my bed, eating butter toast, chatting on msn and typing my blog while chatting on the phone as well. :-) Super multi-tasking. Donn said I can really write daily.. Yeah.. Think I'm too long winded. So much rubbish to write everyday. :p 04 Jan 2008 (Friday) Had my performance appraisal done in office before I left for the day at 5pm. Wasn't satisfied with my rating and the comments I received. Yet to receive the letter regarding bonus and salary increment. For all the effort and work that I have put in, if I don't get what I want, I will definitely leave. Headed to hospital to visit Dad after that. He was very naughty and chased me away after I refuse to let him use the mobile phone. Sighz.. Left at 7pm where I met Ken at Novena MRT to meet Bee for dinner at Vivo. Chatted a while before JZ called and our conversation was kinda interrupted. Call ended when I reached Vivo so we still had some ti...

Jus came home from hospital. Dad refused to let me come home today. He's being very naughty these days. Keeps tugging and pulling at the tubes, etc. Sighz.. Kept scolding him and beating his hand. And I haven't had dinner. Starving now! Double sighz... Anyway, was talking to Melissa in office today regarding the issue of trust between bf & gf. Sometimes, I wonder why people wanna get together only to be suspicious of their other half. Why is it that they like to check each other's text messages or listen in to the conversations? I don't understand. If you don't trust the person, then why be together in the 1st place? I, for one, hate having people check my mobile phone for any reason. It's privacy that people should learn to respect. Was talking to JZ last nite and we touched on this issue as well. We both have the same thinking. If you wanna read my text messages, then be prepared for me to do it to you as well. But most people only allow it one way but no...

Just had dinner with Donn. While chatting, realised that we have known each other for about a year now and this is the 1st time that we went out together. Talked about a lot of things. Thanx for dinner, the Xmas card, Xmas gift and my bday gift! Appreciate it! Sorry I didn't get u anything. :( Will do so this year! :p Love the song on my blog right now. It's called "Is this really love?" Suits what I'm feeling currently. Sent to me by JZ coz I requested for it. He sent me several other songs that I have been looking for too. :) Yay! Will slowly put on my blog. Donn intro a nice song to me too, a song that suits the title of my blog. And Donn, I've found the song already. Haha. :) So busy at work today. Just sat there the whole morning and afternoon doing my work til I almost pulled my hair out. Sooooo busy but only 1 me. Sighz.. Glad that it's over. At least month end is almost over though tomorrow will still be busy, it will be better coz Gopi is back. Ha...

In a flash of the eye, 2007 has passed and today is the 1st day of 2008. How fast! For the past 2-3 hours, I have been trying to curb an urge. A bad habit that I managed to kick away and pick up again, kicked away and picked up again. A bad habit that I try not to make it long term - Smoking. The urge is strong from the minute I reached hospital to visit my dad today. Dad wants to tell me stuff but somehow, his stupid daughter can't seem to understand him at all. I feel lousy. It makes me wanna smoke. Sighz.. This urge that I'm still trying to keep under control right at this moment. Not sure how long it takes before this urge dies down.. Had my bday yesterday. I cancelled the party at DF. Reason? Don't ask. I don't wish to talk about it. But the anger is still there. Hard to subside. After all, bday is just another day. No celebrations at all in the end. But I did go for a very good dinner to cheer myself up. Dinner at Thai's Village Sharks Fin Restaurant. Had a fl...