Thoughts - Work and Personal
Martin aka Ding Ding was asked to go yesterday. 1 of the closest salesperson to me and who has taught me a lot over the last 4 years. He is willing to teach and he's very knowledgable. I really no longer look forward to going to work anymore. I drag myself to work everyday and my own team pisses me off most of the time. I have a good mind to leave. So, let's start with my team where 4 out of 8 people (excluding myself in the 8) really turns me off.
A.R - yes, I know you are the youngest in the team and the top earner for a year or 2 now. I don't give a damn about that coz you don't give me my pay nor my bonus. And neither have you ever paid for my drink nor meal despite always saying you will. You do tons of trades and you do them all wrong. I'm the one who cleans up your ass for you every single time. Stop showing me your fucking attitude as if you are my boss coz you most definitely are not my boss! You screw up and you told me to go back to my desk and fix your stuff in a super rude and impolite manner?!! Seriously, what the fuck?!! I don't owe you a living! When Chris was asked to go and you think you are a senior, you had this same fucking attitude. When G went to head the team, you toned it down again. Now that G has been transferred to NY, your fucking attitude is back. Trust me, you are the one who will suffer if I tender my resignation and you will have to do everything on your own coz you don't even know how to clear any of the shit I have done for you in the last 4 years. And you are pushing me to the limit of resigning immediately.
A.S - Pls start learning and writing down your own stuff. I'm not your nanny nor caretaker. Simple stuff that you can do and should know, you don't do and you don't know. Then what do you know?!!! Stop questioning me on every single thing I do just coz you always choose not to remember or learn. Write it down! You are another one who's gonna suffer big time if I leave. And you are downright dirty.. Picking your nose or teeth in front of everyone. Disgusting!
A.B - You are damn lazy most of the time and you are very vulgar in office almost everyday. You keep complaining that being here (in office) makes you grumpy almost all the time and you have severe mood swings everyday. I dislike your laziness and rudeness but at least, most times when you ask me for help, you say thanks to me which the rest don't do. Hence, my dislike for you is lesser but you need to be a whole lot less lazy, that's for sure.
S.W - Pls stop picking your teeth with a straw everyday and stop making "tsk tsk" sounds coz you are picking on food between your teeth with your tongue. And be more considerate by bringing cups to the pantry to be washed rather than leaving them lying around and blatantly denying that you were the one who used the cups. Other than that, you are quite an ok guy but I really can't stand the horrible sounds coming out from your mouth due to your teeth picking issues. You are not that bad after all.
And relating to S.W makes me think of Eeyore.
Responsibility issues yet again - it might be small or maybe insignificant to most people and some may think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but over time it builds up and makes me pissed. And I seriously haven't been happy since February and I have been crying quite a lot too. Can't stand the mess in my house too - 2 people staying in 1 house yet his stuff are in all 3 bedrooms, living room and dining room. Strewn all over the place as if my house is a rubbish dump - he thinks he has no responsibility in cleaning up coz the house is under my name after all.
In February, we had an argument over.. toothpaste. Yes, small and insignificant.. When I nicely asked if the toothpaste that he uses daily was finished, he said no and that there was still a bit left. Yet, 2 months later, the toothpaste tube was still lying in the toilet whereas my entire toothpaste tube depleted at an extremely fast pace. Obviously I knew he had been using mine so I asked him again. And he gave me the same answer again. Which led me to question him why my toothpaste was depleting so quickly when his nearly finishing toothpaste can still last. And his reply.. was that I had big teeth. Right.. Most people laugh when they hear that and think it's funny, but not me coz it's blatant outright lying in my face and I hate people doing that. So I hid his toothpaste tube for an entire month and he didn't even know when I threw it away til I told him. And he could still tell me "But there's still a bit left!!" as if it's my fault for throwing it away without informing him. Unbelievable!
And yesterday, we had a similar issue.. with facial foam this time. And his same usual reply of "still a bit left" since last week yet he has been using my facial foam all this while. So when I questioned him yesterday.. He shouted at me for being calculative and even shouted, "if I use yours, you will die huh? Leave the empty tube in toilet, you will die huh? Are you dying now or dying yet?!!!" That, was seriously way too much for me to take. I sucked it in and only replied him by saying that if it's finished, it's not that hard to throw away when the dustbin is only 2 footsteps away from the toilet or just tell me and I can be the one throwing away if it's too difficult for him to walk 2 steps!
But yet, in my heart, I was telling myself.. Yes, I'm dying and I wish I was dead. Since February when we started having arguments and differences, I have been asking myself why didn't I die when I went into my coma?? Why the hell did I wake up to suffer and go through all these nonsense for?? Every night since February, I go to bed and pray and hope that the moment I close my eyes, I will never open them again. And yet, when I hear the alarm every morning waking me up, I feel depressed that I'm still alive. Every night, I wonder where the dead go to.. Is there really heaven or hell? Do they get reincarnated? Do not be surprised or alarmed by my thoughts but that's honestly what I think about and hope for every night.
I told a couple of close friends and they told me not to be silly. Not worth dying coz of him or coz of idiots at work, which is true. But I'm really tired of it all.. Very very tired of it all. And if I die and can be reunited with my parents, I'll gladly die. And that's what I feel and think every day..
PS: to those people who still read my blog and know Eeyore and me personally, pls don't tell him or ask him about our issues. He doesn't like people to know or find out about our relationship issues but I really just feel the need to let it all out to feel better. Thanks!
Responsibility, Honesty, Integrity
Why this title one might ask? Coz these days, I realize that people don't have such basic common sense and attitude anymore.
Responsibility - if you truly care for a person, you will learn to be responsible, to be caring and to be more concerned and sensitive. Coming home late (past midnight) and closing doors without turning the door knobs or simply slamming them shut is an act of being inconsiderate. Simple acts of throwing things away or putting them properly in place after use is an act of being responsible for your actions. Turning on the tv, or using ipad, the handphone or laptop at max volume when someone is trying to sleep just shows that you are rude.
Honesty - When all the acts above are performed and you question the person, the person can lie in your face blatantly despite giving him the chance of telling the truth at least 3 times.. Just makes me think if this person can ever be trusted. Yet, the person just thinks it's "funny" to lie and take you as a fool. That's stupidity coz it's not even funny to be begin with.
Integrity - When you lie in my face that many times, I start questioning your integrity. And I start to wonder about things.
And the best part of it is.. When I woke up from my coma, you actually asked me "do you remember you wanted to break up with me before?". Yes, my memory did stop at 2010/2011 period.. And thank you for reminding me that. I read through my blog at that period and realized we were fighting a lot then too.. And yes, now I remember why I wanted to break up with you then. And right now, I am once again considering and thinking about it..
I really dunno what to do anymore. After I woke up from the coma til now, in your eyes, I'm always overly sensitive. I'm demanding. I have a black face. I'm grumpy. I'm hard to please. I'm unhappy. Ever thought about it in my point of view? I have disturbed rest almost every night and you put the blame back on me. I tried loving you again, but you managed to kill the feelings once again. The things that you have said to me.. I won't forget. I bear grudges - that's what you said too. So yes.. I won't forget..
And once again, I'm tired.. Really tired of all these..
