Thursday, June 28, 2007
Back to Normal
After the shout-out post, I finally managed to have a good night's sleep til morning that nite. I had been having sleepless nights for the past few weeks and it had gotten worse everyday. I was waking up at 2am, 5am & goodness knows what other odd hours. It was getting to a point where I was practically not sleeping. All that have changed since the previous post. This whole week, I've been sleeping throughout the night and it feels good to finally be able to sleep well. :)
Thanks to everyone who have shown their concern to me in 1 way or another over the past few days. I know it's concern, not sympathy coz people who read my blog are people who are truly close to my heart. I really appreciate the way that each and everyone showed your concern for me. Deeply touched.. Thank you!
I am back to the normal me. Happy and carefree once again. I'm glad to be back to normal and to live my life again. I'm glad for friends like all of u, people who know me well and care about me. I'm glad to have grown up and shown maturity. Life goes on no matter what happens.. Time will not wait for u.. I've learnt that now. My life shouldn't stop just coz my relationship didn't work out. Life doesn't work that way. I've always believed in fate. I'll still believe in it.
A close friend broke up recently too. I think she must feel worse than me coz she's been in the relationship for a much longer period than me. I shan't state who it is coz I believe she will want her privacy. My dearest girl, if you are reading this, I wanna let u know that u'll always have me to support u no matter what happens. I will always be there for u. We can hang out every weekend now that we're both single. Haha. Just don't ask me what to do coz I won't know either. :p But I'm sure we'll be able to figure something out so no worries yeah? *hugz* Thanx for the encouragement when I was down and out. Now's my turn to be here for u (though I would do the same even if u weren't there for me). :) Meet up soon ya?
Think I should go to bed soon.. Either going clubbing or shopping after work tomorrow night. Can't wait!! Yay!! For once, my week has been full of activities and events after work with my friends. Told you I'm back to normal! Haha. Thanks all, for being willing to spend time with me! :)
magz [11:58 PM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Time to move on?
Heard from Rachel recently that Ting told her Tom was sad and that she felt bad for Tom. What makes people think that I'm not sad? When a relationship fails, people always assume that I don't feel the pain, that I don't feel sad at all. It's just a matter of me telling other people how I feel. When I don't say anything ro refuse to talk about things, it doesn't make me less sad or heartbroken. Nobody knows what I'm feeling inside.. By being strong on the exterior surface has been making me so torn up inside.
NOBODY KNOWS HOW I FEEL SO SHUT UP ABOUT ME NOT BEING SAD AND DEVASTATED! FUCK! DO I NEED TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD MY FEELINGS EVERY NOW AND THEN? EVERYBODY FEELS SAD FOR HIM LIKE IT'S MY FAULT! YEAH, IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT OK? HAPPY? SATISFIED?
Everybody's been telling me that I seem aimless and have lost my motivation and drive. That's exactly the point! I have lost it all! I'm even losing my mind! Been thinking of dying and crap like that. Why am I being like that? U THINK IT'S COZ I'M FUCKING HAPPY? IF SO, THEN YES! I'M DELIRIOUS WITH JOY RIGHT NOW!
Should stop letting myself be consumed by my own tears. Time for me to stop hurting and move on with my life. Stop crying and be strong once again. Will I be able to do that? I wonder.. But I'll stop thinking about dying for sure. And I'll try to find that drive and motivation once again.
And for the world to know.. Yes, I still love him and can't get over him and there's nothing I can do about it. SO STOP DOUBTING MY FEELINGS AND GET OFF MY BACK! ANYWAY, I DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY! FUCK OFF!
[Edit] Sorry about the language used in this post. It's just that I hate people to assume things about me wrongly.
magz [11:25 PM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Home
Back in Singapore again. Not exactly happy to be back. I love the life I was having in Shanghai. Somehow, coming back never ceases to sadden me. Nothing to look forward to when I'm back. Much happier in Shanghai. Sighz.. I really ned to get out of this country.. Or find something that I can look forward to here. Else, I might just start hating this place.
Didn't get to meet up with Meng. :( Had flu on Friday and hence, was sleeping when he reached Shanghai on Saturday. Anyway, hope he has fun in Shanghai and enjoys it as much as I did. :)
Have changed my bedsheet and should go sleep soon.. Took the early morning flight to come home. Thanx to Felix for picking me up at the airport! I'm gonna nap now.. Nitez folks!
magz [2:56 PM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Article to share
Somebody forwarded me the below email recently and I found it to be very true and meaningful. Just wanted to share..
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love. With your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...Because it's happening TO YOU. People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.
Because (listen carefully to this): THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. ..you can "make" love work.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . Not just a feeling.
magz [7:47 PM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Fairytale?
Can't believe that the restaurant owners can still recognise me! Have been going back to the restaurants near where I used to work for lunch yesterday and today. The restaurant owners still recognise me though I was only for 2 months previously and I have left for a month! They have been extremely nice to me and giving me free drinks and cakes. Never knew I could leave an impression on the peoople here. :) Makes me real happy to be back. Maybe the decision to come back to Shanghai was correct.
Was thinking to myself this morning that I seem to be living in a fairytale the last few days. I will hate to wake up from this fairytale and to be back to reality. I love the fairytale I'm in. Will there be a happy ending? Maybe I should have tried harder to look for a job here previously. Maybe then, I'd have been happier. But I don't like to look back and regret the decisions that I've made. Whatever decision I've made, I know I've got to be happy about it.
I chose to go to Treasury Ops to learn and report to 4 people though my ranking is higher instead of going to Securities to be Manager level. I've been looking back at this decision and feeling stupid about it but I know I'll get over it. 2 years... Is all I'm giving myself in this dept. If I'm not in a better position in this dept after 2 years, I'll either transfer dept or change company totally. No point in me wasting time and energy.
Just woke up from my 3 hour afternoon nap to type my blog. Haha. It's been raining here since last night. Hasn't stopped at all. Really nice weather to sleep. Had to force myself to wake up. The cleaner is still around and she treats me real good.. Like a queen. Purposely waited for me to wake up to cook dumplings for me to eat. She's a very nice lady. Will be sad to leave all these nice people again when I go back home.
Realised this morning that I have been writing about myself and my life these days. Nothing in depth at all. Thought of something to write about but haven't had the full flow yet. Lemme see what I can think of tomorrow. Going for my manicure and pedicure tomorrow afternoon! Haha. Pool table's been sent for reclothing this week. Sucks! I don't get to play pool and drink wine. ARGH! But I've been drinking vodka and beer. Haha. And soup! Comparing to the time when I was here previously, I've been drinking lesser. That shouldn't be the way! :p
Anyways, haven't been able to access to my own blog page. That's the weird thing about here. I couldn't access it the other time as well. Sighz.. To anybody leaving me comments and if it's urgent, pls sms me instead. My Singapore line is on 24/7. Meng, pls sms me when u reach Shanghai and see if we can work out a time to meet. Maybe if I'm too bored (which I doubt I'll be), I'll move this whole blog to create my own webpage. But will take time. Let's see.. Haha. I'm such a lazy girl...
magz [6:10 PM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Finding myself..
Here I am.. Back in the land of a place where I just returned from.. Shanghai. Many people ask me why I'm wasting time and money coming back to this place after I've been here for 2 months. Most people won't even come here again after they've been here once. For a simple reason. I needed to find myself again and there's no country I know better than this place. Hence, I'm back here.
Currently sitting at one of the cafes I liked the most while I was here. Name of the cafe is called "House of Flour" and I loved the food, the people and that they have Wifi here and I can use my laptop. It's far from where I'm staying but really near to the office where I used to work here. Really miss this place the whole time I was back in Singapore.
Embarking on this journey to find myself came as a surprise too. I've never been one who has been rash in decisions or to spend money like this but this time, I really needed a break from Singapore. Hopefully, when I return, I'll be the same me again and not the emotional me over the past few weeks. If I'm not back to the old me after this trip, then I would have wasted my money.. Haha.
Touched down in Shanghai on Saturday and the driver picked me up. Went to Hyatt for drinks that evening which was something that I've always wanted to do coz from there, you can have a very good view of the Bund and a good view of Shanghai. After drinks, I met up with some friends for dinner at a very popular place for ducks. And after which, we went clubbing at Muse which was our normal haunt while I was there. The usual clique that I normally hang out with wasn't around but another group of friends were there so we joined them. Left after being there for about 2 hours and after we had finished 2 bottles of Johnnie Walker Black Label. Haha.
Woke up at 12+ on Sunday and lazed around til 3+pm before heading out shopping for a bit. Bought some DVDs and walked til about 6+pm before heading back to rest. Went for Japanese dinner at 8pm and had a glass of my favourite Choya. Trimmed my hair at the hair salon next door which was the one I coloured and highlighted my hair when I was here previously. Requested for the same hairdresser and he's still as cute as ever. Haha. He looks like a Jap and is really good. By the time I left the salon, it was 12 midnight. :p
Yesterday, the driver brought us to his hometown where there was a man-made beach. It's a very interesting place where the sand is like clay. Had to walk very far out to the sea which was yellowish in colour. Gross right? But I had fun there. I even got to experience riding on a horse which was something that I've always wanted to try but never had the chance to. Horses are so beautiful and I truly enjoyed the ride out. Had so much fun yesterday that I felt like I was back to normal.
Not sure if I'm back to normal yet.. When I'm alone and in my own thoughts, I know I'm not. I think too much nowadays which is not good. Is this quarter life crisis? I feel like I'm at the crossroads in my life where I'm always lost and not knowing what to do. Today is the 4th day that I'm here.. Will have to leave this place in about 4 days' time.. Will I be ok by then? I wonder.. But I know that once I'm back in Singapore, I'll focus on my career and improving myself. Will not be distracted again.. That's what I decided on when I saw the rainbow in the sky when I was about to land in Shanghai. It made me feel like I had a new lease of life and that I should make full use of it. And I will make full use of it.. I will be me again.
magz [2:03 PM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
Sunday, June 03, 2007
I'll find happiness..
Just came home not too long ago. Time now is 3.03am.. Went for dinner with my family and after that, went to Balaclava and had a bottle of vodka. Headed to Club Instinct (my new favourite haunt) and had my bottle of gin and to sing.
My life recently has been like that. Lots of booze in my life. Went to Villa Bali with some of the ex-colleagues and those who have transferred to other depts after work on Fri nite. I reached home at 2+ am and fell asleep with my light on, contact lens still in my eyes and everything unchanged. Haha. Slept soundly til 7am I think. Switched off the light and went back to sleep with everything still intact. Haha. That was how tired I was. Was sleeping at Esplanade with Lynn and Bee on Wed nite as well.
Guess I know why I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically drained. A lot has been going on in my life, not to mention that my dad just found out he is diabetic and might have colon cancer today. My life is in a mess and my dad is adding on to it. Totally sucky. I dunno what to do with my dad. Been telling him to cut down on soft drinks and desserts for years but he simply refuses to listen to me. Told him not to keep sitting at the toilet bowl and smoke for years as well but as always, he doesn't listen. And now, he's got such illnesses.. Should I be angry or sad? I really dunno and I really don't wanna think. My aunts think I don't care. How much can I care? Tell me. They're not the ones staying with me, nagging at him everyday. I do. And it's not an easy job. Fuck it. I really don't wanna think about it anymore.
My life is so screwed.. I suck at love, at maintaining relationships and I suck at family life. I know I'm a failure at love. I'm so tired.. How many times have I cried coz of this stupid thing called "love"? Why can't I find happiness? I know I'll find it one day though. I know I have to be strong like I used to be. I know I can do it. Been telling myself every morning that I will find happiness one day, that I will not cry again. I know lots of people are worried about me. I've caused nothing but trouble. I'll be fine. I am fine. I'll grow up and all this will pass.
Edmund gor said I seemed happier at work yesterday. Told him that I've thought things through. Told Lynn the same thing as well. Relationships might have caused me a lot of pain and hurt but one day, I'll attain happiness. I believe in me. So for now, I'll be the happy-go-lucky girl that I used to be. Life goes on no matter whether u're happy or sad. I choose to be live it happily. Why should I live my life sadly? Why should I let anyone or anything make me so unhappy and so down?
Meng was telling me to cut down on the booze. I'll try.. No worries. I won't get myself drunk. Sometimes, drinking helps me sleep better at nite. At least the minute my head touches the pillow, I'll be knocked out and won't have to think of anything. I'll take care of my own health. Like Ali used to say.. "It's all good". I'm good. Will be good. The smile will be back on my face. I will not brood over things that make me sad.
Happiness doesn't come naturally but it will come to me eventually...
Was talking to someone I respect and admire about working and studying.. Was thinking of studying a degree in law. He said that to be where he was, it took a lot of patience and enthusiasm about what he's doing. Never ever give up though many things may make u wanna give up and let go. I'll listen to his advice and I'll take it seriously. One day, I'll be in a position that I'm satisfied with and I'll be doing something that I like. For now, I'll learn what I can and as much as I can. And I'll seriously consider the degree in law though I hate studying wordy stuff. As long as it's good for my future, I'll do it. Let me think about this..
magz [3:03 AM]
*will dreams come true one day?*
