But then again, while I was in office this afternoon, I had chest pains that were so bad til every move I made jus hurts my chest and my heart was beating at an extra fast pace. Body gone mad and crazy though I think it's more caused by sudden stress at work and the endless coughing. Oh well, at least I'm ok after taking a breather to the ladies and to the pantry. :)

The person whom I am wondering if he's colleague or friend, let's jus call him Mr Z coz I don't wanna expose his identity. Mr Z is making me confused - he didn't comment much on the thing I did. I dunno his thoughts. I thought I'll play it cool at work yesterday but he was so warm to me that I was at a loss of what to do.

In the evening, Mr Z asked me to go for a drink (non-alcoholic) coz I stayed late in office to settle some outstanding issues. We had a chat about his family, my work background and he asked me a question which I have been pondering for a while now. He asked me where I see myself in 2 years time - what would I be doing such as trader etc. I wonder too.. I dunno but I did think about it the whole nite. I might pick up my books again and study on my own what I'm doing right now.

In my years of working life, I have idolised a few people from work - Olly, Debbie, Cathy and now, Mr Z. They have been fantastic role models whom I look up to although I think some people won't agree with me. But to me, undeniably is that they are competent in their work and definitely, in their knowledge. I have a lot to learn from them.

So is Mr Z a colleague or a friend? I still wonder but we don't talk much about ourselves and stuff. It's mainly crap that we talk about and mostly stuff in the office. Definitely still a colleague. :p

I might have done something that I shouldn't regarding work. Not feeling good about what I did. Better to treat colleagues as colleagues instead of as friends. U never know who's going to betray u or what political games others are playing. Too late for regrets now but I've learnt my mistake and I'll make sure I learn it well. Mindset's gotta change and I've gotta stop being so naive.

Grandma's discharged today. Phew.. Jus left with a red patch on her face but at least the swelling's gone down. All's good for now and I'm thankful for that.

Met up with Josh and Belinda, Roy and Sheila, Leo and Lisa for Josh's bday drinks. Yes, I was still having my damned flu when I went to meet them. Was at Alley Bar and made to drink 2 pints despite the flu and popping Panadol in the afternoon after lunch. Oh well.. They tried making Lisa smoke so I took the ciggie on her behalf. Rash outbreak almost immediately over the weekend. Stupid after-effects that I get and it's sooo dreadful, hateful and irritating.

I know.. Most people will think that I don't treasure my life but come what may. I believe that my death date has been decided when I was born so I'm jus gonna enjoy my life to the fullest. :)

And I hate the fact that I'm sick at the wrong time. I had to postpone drinks sessions and what made it worse is that.. Gram was rushed to A&E this evening. Right when I stepped out of office and was at the MRT station all ready to go for drinks when Aunt Marg called. Gram had a huge patch of rash on her face that was all red and swollen. It was spreading rapidly and she had a fever as well.

Drinks plan had to be shoved aside as I rushed to the hospital. Sorry babes and guy! Waited for the ambulance to send Gram to hospital and finally saw how Gram was doing. I knew the patch was painful and hot. Poor Gram had to go thro all that... She was put on drip, given an injection of antibiotics for her fever and had a huge tube of blood taken from her to run tests to see what was causing the rash. She was screaming and shouting in pain the whole time. How my heart ached then..

Somehow, I know Gram will be fine coz I don't have the "not good" feeling. I can sense such things most of the time and there is no such feeling now. I've said many times that should anything happen to Gram, my world will come crushing down and it still will. Hope she will be ok soon. Glad to have supportive and wonderful colleagues even though they are all much higher ranked than me and I've only been working with them for 6 months.

Can only hope that this stupid flu will go away so that I can visit Gram in the hospital tomorrow. Glad that I'm given permission to start later and end work earlier tomorrow. I need the rest to recover faster and the care & understanding showered on me by them have been a huge morale booster. I must get well soon!

8 cups of tea, 1 bottle of herbal tea, 2 litres of water later.. Not to mention the cup of Redoxon, and plenty of Vicks vapor sweets and inhaler, I feel more human except for a leaking nose, a heavy head and droopy eyes right now.

It's been a while since I've last had a bad flu and today was 1 of those times. Rushing down to the pharmacy the minute it opened was memorable. Thank goodness that I'm working in town now. But it was a pity I had to forsake the ever so tempting Magnum Gold so as not to worsen things. :(

Hoping to recover by tonite coz we're shorthanded for the rest of the week til mid Dec. Time to dig out previous medication from doctor and to head on to bed for some much needed rest..

Dear M, thanks for the concern over all these years. Thanks for always caring and the sms-es that u will send me when I'm down, be it family matters or relationship affairs. U have been a wonderful friend all these years, showering me with your concern and offering your advice but never forcing it on me.

I appreciate your company all this while and I know I always will coz u never cease to make me laugh everytime we meet. :) Thanks for everything!

Not sure why but I suddenly decided to stay a bit longer in the office today coz if I hadn't and this issue was only resolved tomorrow, I can't imagine the possible loss that might hit my trader's books. Even retrenching me will not be enough to pay for the damages. Mus also thank god that Kelvin was around to help me, or I'll be soooo dead. Issue was resolved thankfully by 5.57pm, ahead of the cut off time of 6pm or I'll still be dead. Phew! Sweat was definitely trickling down my back and I was sooo nervous I could barely stand or sit still.

2nd major screw up in 7 months of working there. This is bad! I need to focus and concentrate on my work under all circumstances. This issue happened coz I was complacent and I was unhappy that day as well. Can't let anything affect my work from now on coz the mistake is too costly and I dread to think of what might have happened if the issue wasn't spotted in time. My head would probably be rolling on the floor.. I shudder to think of the consequences.

I am very relieved to say that this issue now only cost a loss of USD 1,000 due to instant rectification from Kelvin and definitely, a very understanding Chris coz it will be a huge loss in his books and no matter how sweet and nice he is to me, I'm sure he'll be extremely pissed with the loss coz it will definitely affect bonus! Phew phew phew!! Thanking my lucky stars and everyone who helped! I owe Kelvin a huge one! :p Caution and opening my eyes wide are definitely the way to go now.

On a brighter note, I watched Harry Potter last nite after work. :) It was alright, but a little draggy. Waiting for the final part of the show to be out and I'll probably need to do an entire Harry Potter marathon coz I can't remember the storyline of the shows already! Releasing 1 Harry Potter movie a year is too long for me to remember what I've watched! Hahaha.

On a crazy note, I went to sing karaoke on my own for 3 hours! Yup, I was in a room, all by myself, belting out songs after songs after songs. It's kinda like my own mini concert and amazing to say, I actually enjoyed singing by myself for 3 consecutive hours! I could repeat the songs that I've sung, or simply sing songs that are sung by male singers. I need not worry about being in tune, and be happily out of pitch for all I care coz no one is around to hear it! Hahahaha! U might think I'm crazy but most importantly is I had fun! :p

On a bad note, the little smoking episode has caused me a minor rash outbreak again. Not helped by the fact that I have recently become a live target for mosquitos to fleece on fresh blood. I have at least 10 mosquito bites on me and still counting. I get at least 1 or 2 new bites a day! It's insane! The mozzie bites are way more itchy than my rash which is darn irritating. I had to buy Mopiko during lunch time to apply in office coz it was sooo itchy. I have this nagging feeling I was bitten in office. Hmmm...

On reflection, I realised that the year is coming to an end and I have yet to fulfil my 2nd resolution for the year - to get my driving licence! OMG! I have been procrastinating for the longest time! I really should get my ass moving and do what I need to do.

1) Huge argument with Eeyore. He hinted at some stuff and kicked up a huge fuss when everytime he does the same, I keep quiet. He went way beyond the limit and all I did was be a little furious and I was only 1/5 of what he did and he made it into a big issue. I've had enough and I was annoyed but yet, I controlled. Then, he made it worse by saying and hinting that I'm materialistic again. He didn't say it out loud that I'm materialistic but his reaction and the words that came out of his mouth were ugly. I've never felt more insulted in my life.

He didn't even see the thing properly and he jus ranted at me. It was seriously the worst moment ever. I controlled real hard and I went to the toilet, intending to shower but ended up crying and wondering why the hell I'm still trying so hard to make this work. If that's his thinking of me, in the worst possible manner ever coz of his previous experiences, then nothing will ever change his mindset coz he's too stubborn.

I felt insulted, I felt wronged. I cried, real hard and real bad. Even now, when I think back on that nite, my tears fill up in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. It hurts, really does! And I can't look at him without feeling insulted and wronged. I haven't spoken much to him since then, let alone go to work together. I don't even wish to be in the same space as him. But he apologised to me today for making me upset. I would rather the apology be for looking at me in the horrid way that he does and makes me feel.

2) I wish to have a simple life. Things spoil and if I can live with it, I'll gladly do so. I've gone past the phase where I need branded stuff or whatsoever. I have learnt to know and prioritize needs from wants. Had a quarrel with a friend coz of such an issue. It's the way things were said and how things ended up, the sarcasm and how ridiculous it seems that makes me sad. But I still stand by my point. A need is not a want. If it can still be used, I'll still use it. I want a simple life. That's all that I ask for.

"How to win friends" - I don't need to win friends. I have friends, quite a few close ones too. My daddy used to tell me that a person doesn't need that many friends. A few close ones are more than enough. As I grow older, I realise that too. If u don't like me as a friend, u r free to leave. If u want to be my friend, then pls understand the way that I am.

The above 2 events made my mood drop right into depression. To a point where I wonder why I even bother about anything anymore. To the point I really wanted to give up on everything and everyone. Til good stuff started happening..

3) Wiped out my entire iTunes library coz I was using an app to create a ringtone. Sigh.. The hassle of it all. Yet to settle this issue. Guess it'll have to wait..

1) Lunch with Josh since a long long time ago. It's so nice to meet up with old friends to catch up on life. He bought me lunch at Kenny Rogers and Royce chocs to cheer me up and to thank me for helping him to look for a job when he was down and out. He said something that made me really really touched and look at myself in a different light.

He told me that there was a day he was so close to jus giving up looking for a job. He had been out of a job for months. He couldn't get anything. Even the most possible job that he nearly got, he didn't get it in the end. And that particular day, he was ready to jus let go of everything and surrender. I sms-ed him if he has found a job and asked if he still needed my help to look for whatever is available.

A simple gesture of an sms changed his outlook. He wondered why when he was ready to give up, his friend aka me had not and was still concerned if he had found 1. That was when he knew that he mustn't give up hope when I'm still looking out for him. And he was really thankful and appreciative to me, coz he felt he would not have his job now if he had given up then. :)

Simple words and actions (not the chocs but the gratefulness) made me realise that I shouldn't be sad at all. Some people may not appreciate me as a friend but there are others who will. Not everything is about money. Jus the thought is good enough. And from then on, my gloominess and depression took a huge leap and I knew I was on the road to being normal again.

2) Drinks and dinner with my traders and brokers. They made me laugh endlessly. A bunch of guys with me being the only female. Topics revolved around porn, sex and women of coz. It was interesting to hear the perspective of everyone in these topics. Kinda make me know what some men think. We drank a lot but it felt good!

I have quit smoking long ago and they actually managed to make me smoke a few sticks that nite. Not that I minded coz I've had a tad too much to drink. The food was yummylicious and I still miss the mouthwatering wagyu beef and sashimi from Keyaki!!

3) I may not be appreciated by my own bf or some friends but my traders treat me like a gem. They call me a star, a rock, a legend. Whatever they wanna call me, I'm fine with it coz they have given me lots of compliment and are always thankful and grateful for my help. My job is to assist them (trading assistant, duh!) so it's part of the job yet they r soooo appreciative of it. Jus brightens the day everytime I'm at work. I'm really glad that I left the department that made me angry and impatient with the world and came to a department where it's sunshine and rainbow everyday! :)

Overall, I have a lot to be thankful for in life. So why make myself unhappy and sad? A lot of friends who saw my facebook postings and my previous post have asked me privately if I'm fine or subtly show me that they care about me and will be there for me no matter what. I'm blessed with lotsa fantastic people around me and I'm touched and honoured. To all who have been there for me and will continue being there for me, thank u for everything! U know who u r so I'm gonna let u guys keep ur privacy too, no names to be mentioned here in this post.

In the end, I took a cab home at 12 midnight by myself. At 12.30am, I still don't see u at home. So much for being tired.. And I cannot believe u actually thought I'm upset coz I had to pay my own cab fare. Never knew what u thought of me til that instant. How lowly and cheapskate u consider me to be that I can't pay my own cab fare. I've never needed a guy in my life, much less 1 to pay for things for me. I have been self sufficient all along. I earn my own income. I never cared about ur $. Don't think of me in such a materialistic way. It only makes me hate u.

It's not the 1st time that promises are broken. It's not gonna be the last either. Every eve of public holiday, u say u're tired. U tell me u need to go meet ur friends for some clubbing action. U said u'll be home early. Yes, early in the morning at 6am when I was showering and getting ready for work. And again, u r tired but u can meet ur best friend til so late and I have no idea what u guys r doing.

I'm tired from all these broken promises. I knew u were not coming to pick me up right from the start no matter what u said. I knew it in my heart. I jus didn't say it out. I said it b4 and I'm gonna reiterate it. I have no expectations from u at all coz all I get is always nothing but disappointment. And I'm right about it, yet again.

I don't question, and I won't show my disappointment. Hope u had fun tonite.