I'll find happiness..
Just came home not too long ago. Time now is 3.03am.. Went for dinner with my family and after that, went to Balaclava and had a bottle of vodka. Headed to Club Instinct (my new favourite haunt) and had my bottle of gin and to sing.
My life recently has been like that. Lots of booze in my life. Went to Villa Bali with some of the ex-colleagues and those who have transferred to other depts after work on Fri nite. I reached home at 2+ am and fell asleep with my light on, contact lens still in my eyes and everything unchanged. Haha. Slept soundly til 7am I think. Switched off the light and went back to sleep with everything still intact. Haha. That was how tired I was. Was sleeping at Esplanade with Lynn and Bee on Wed nite as well.
Guess I know why I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically drained. A lot has been going on in my life, not to mention that my dad just found out he is diabetic and might have colon cancer today. My life is in a mess and my dad is adding on to it. Totally sucky. I dunno what to do with my dad. Been telling him to cut down on soft drinks and desserts for years but he simply refuses to listen to me. Told him not to keep sitting at the toilet bowl and smoke for years as well but as always, he doesn't listen. And now, he's got such illnesses.. Should I be angry or sad? I really dunno and I really don't wanna think. My aunts think I don't care. How much can I care? Tell me. They're not the ones staying with me, nagging at him everyday. I do. And it's not an easy job. Fuck it. I really don't wanna think about it anymore.
My life is so screwed.. I suck at love, at maintaining relationships and I suck at family life. I know I'm a failure at love. I'm so tired.. How many times have I cried coz of this stupid thing called "love"? Why can't I find happiness? I know I'll find it one day though. I know I have to be strong like I used to be. I know I can do it. Been telling myself every morning that I will find happiness one day, that I will not cry again. I know lots of people are worried about me. I've caused nothing but trouble. I'll be fine. I am fine. I'll grow up and all this will pass.
Edmund gor said I seemed happier at work yesterday. Told him that I've thought things through. Told Lynn the same thing as well. Relationships might have caused me a lot of pain and hurt but one day, I'll attain happiness. I believe in me. So for now, I'll be the happy-go-lucky girl that I used to be. Life goes on no matter whether u're happy or sad. I choose to be live it happily. Why should I live my life sadly? Why should I let anyone or anything make me so unhappy and so down?
Meng was telling me to cut down on the booze. I'll try.. No worries. I won't get myself drunk. Sometimes, drinking helps me sleep better at nite. At least the minute my head touches the pillow, I'll be knocked out and won't have to think of anything. I'll take care of my own health. Like Ali used to say.. "It's all good". I'm good. Will be good. The smile will be back on my face. I will not brood over things that make me sad.
Happiness doesn't come naturally but it will come to me eventually...
Was talking to someone I respect and admire about working and studying.. Was thinking of studying a degree in law. He said that to be where he was, it took a lot of patience and enthusiasm about what he's doing. Never ever give up though many things may make u wanna give up and let go. I'll listen to his advice and I'll take it seriously. One day, I'll be in a position that I'm satisfied with and I'll be doing something that I like. For now, I'll learn what I can and as much as I can. And I'll seriously consider the degree in law though I hate studying wordy stuff. As long as it's good for my future, I'll do it. Let me think about this..
My life recently has been like that. Lots of booze in my life. Went to Villa Bali with some of the ex-colleagues and those who have transferred to other depts after work on Fri nite. I reached home at 2+ am and fell asleep with my light on, contact lens still in my eyes and everything unchanged. Haha. Slept soundly til 7am I think. Switched off the light and went back to sleep with everything still intact. Haha. That was how tired I was. Was sleeping at Esplanade with Lynn and Bee on Wed nite as well.
Guess I know why I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically drained. A lot has been going on in my life, not to mention that my dad just found out he is diabetic and might have colon cancer today. My life is in a mess and my dad is adding on to it. Totally sucky. I dunno what to do with my dad. Been telling him to cut down on soft drinks and desserts for years but he simply refuses to listen to me. Told him not to keep sitting at the toilet bowl and smoke for years as well but as always, he doesn't listen. And now, he's got such illnesses.. Should I be angry or sad? I really dunno and I really don't wanna think. My aunts think I don't care. How much can I care? Tell me. They're not the ones staying with me, nagging at him everyday. I do. And it's not an easy job. Fuck it. I really don't wanna think about it anymore.
My life is so screwed.. I suck at love, at maintaining relationships and I suck at family life. I know I'm a failure at love. I'm so tired.. How many times have I cried coz of this stupid thing called "love"? Why can't I find happiness? I know I'll find it one day though. I know I have to be strong like I used to be. I know I can do it. Been telling myself every morning that I will find happiness one day, that I will not cry again. I know lots of people are worried about me. I've caused nothing but trouble. I'll be fine. I am fine. I'll grow up and all this will pass.
Edmund gor said I seemed happier at work yesterday. Told him that I've thought things through. Told Lynn the same thing as well. Relationships might have caused me a lot of pain and hurt but one day, I'll attain happiness. I believe in me. So for now, I'll be the happy-go-lucky girl that I used to be. Life goes on no matter whether u're happy or sad. I choose to be live it happily. Why should I live my life sadly? Why should I let anyone or anything make me so unhappy and so down?
Meng was telling me to cut down on the booze. I'll try.. No worries. I won't get myself drunk. Sometimes, drinking helps me sleep better at nite. At least the minute my head touches the pillow, I'll be knocked out and won't have to think of anything. I'll take care of my own health. Like Ali used to say.. "It's all good". I'm good. Will be good. The smile will be back on my face. I will not brood over things that make me sad.
Happiness doesn't come naturally but it will come to me eventually...
Was talking to someone I respect and admire about working and studying.. Was thinking of studying a degree in law. He said that to be where he was, it took a lot of patience and enthusiasm about what he's doing. Never ever give up though many things may make u wanna give up and let go. I'll listen to his advice and I'll take it seriously. One day, I'll be in a position that I'm satisfied with and I'll be doing something that I like. For now, I'll learn what I can and as much as I can. And I'll seriously consider the degree in law though I hate studying wordy stuff. As long as it's good for my future, I'll do it. Let me think about this..
Comments