When I Dream~

I wish my family will stop telling me to show concern for my sister. I think I've done more than enough for her. When all the shit 1st started, I was there for her. She treated me like shit and gave me crap. Yet I stood by her. But where was she when Eeyore and I ended? Nowhere. Any concern from her? Nope. I've definitely done more for her in my entire life than she has for me. And I'm seriously sick and tired of her lies and nonsense. Sorry to be mean or be calculative. But there's only so much a person can take. If everyone is sad for her now or feels sorry for her, pities or sympathizes with her, then so be it. Do not tell me or drag me into this. Yes, I do feel bad for her too. But I can't forget nor can I forgive. If it weren't for her and her husband, Eeyore and I would be happily married now. I wouldn't be feeling this fucking pain in my heart every single day. I won't feel like I've been stabbed a million times in my heart. I won't be ...

I guess.. This is it.. I have been stupidly waiting and going round in circles for the last 2 years, unable to give up and wishfully hoping. But I guess.. It's time for me to move on. No point waiting or hoping anymore.. No wonder.. Now I know why.. Someone new in his life.. And here I am, wishing, wondering.. All for nothing, all over nothing. Never mind.. I'm just not meant to be happy or have happiness in my life. My wonderfully fucked up life.. Well, at least I have some good friends and their lovely children/pets to cheer me up once in a while to prevent me from going mad or overly depressed. Time heals all wounds.. Really? How long more is it going to take? If it really does heal all wounds, it's been 2 years now.. Why am I still crying my eyes out and feeling so shitty? Why does it hurt so bad? Why??? 

Thanksgiving Day today - Thanks for nothing! Thanks for the shitty fucked up day I had at work, thanks for making it worse with the news I heard at home. Thanks for the shitty fucked up life! I really appreciate it!

Amazing isn't it? I had a date night tonight!!! I've not had a date night ever since Eeyore and I ended.. more than 1.5 years ago now? How time flies.. My date night.. I went to his place and he drove us to Toa Payoh Hub for dinner. Just me and him, for once. He.. is my Uncle Charles! Hahahaha. My dad's older brother. :D Sorry to disappoint you if you were happy that I've found someone new. Nope. No one new in my life. Don't want to do the wrong thing and hurt anyone when I still cannot forget Eeyore... Had dinner with Uncle Charles tonight as Ann is still unwell and Aunt Janet didn't cook dinner for me. He wanted to go for a walk and buy some stuff so we decided to head out together to eat. My 1st time having dinner with him alone actually.. We do go out for breakfast after seeing grandma but 1st time it's me and him for dinner. After so many years.. Come to think of it, we were never this close in the past. Guess things changed over time especially now...

How sad.. It's back to work tomorrow for me after a lovely 2 weeks break. :( Spent 5 hours yesterday downloading and filing 9000+ emails. Insanity! And I already saw a lot of outstanding issues to clear. Sigh..  It was a nice 4 days (21-24 Sept) spent in Bangkok with Bee, Lynnie and Lynnie's mum. We ate soooo much that I'm 100% sure my waist line has expanded an inch or 2!! Celebrated Bee's bday for her in Bangkok with a Swenson's Firehouse ice cream. Hope she's happy and surprised! Had a good time catching up with my 2 lovely ladies. Bee has been there for me through all my ups and downs and knows all my secrets and stories about my family, relationships, etc. She's a true friend indeed and a really good bff. She may come up with sarcastic and mean remarks at times, but it always makes me laugh whenever she does that. :) Glad to have her and Lynnie in my life as buddies.  The only "unhappy" moment when I was in Bangkok was receiving news th...

Yesterday (16/09) was another emotional day for me. It was the day we started dating officially 6 years ago.. in 2008. Yesterday would have been and could have been our 6 wonderful years together, had it not been coz.. of reasons that only I know of and can only keep it within in. Reasons where I know til now I'll never forget and never get over. For I still have to face the asshole who caused all my misery for the rest of my life as he's part of the family. What can I say other than FML. 1 asshole who still shows no remorse or guilt and still refuses to come clean about what has happened. Anyway, I have taken leave 2 years in a row now on this date.. Staying at home, waiting to see if anything will happen. But obviously, I'm the one who thinks too much and of coz, causing myself 1 helluva disappointment. What were you expecting, you stupid woman? You think he will still give a damn about this date in your life now? WAKE UP YOUR STUPID IDEA! It's no longer of any sign...

August 4th came and went.. Mummy's been gone for 24 years now. How I wish I had kept my promise to her and gone along with her. I've always told her that no matter where she goes, even if she dies, I'll go with her. Yet here I am, typing this post.. Still alive. Hate myself for not keeping my promise to her. Hate myself for living so long. Hate myself for everything... Fell sick again over the weekend. Vomited so much on Saturday and Sunday night that even my gall juice came out. Such a horrible bitter after taste. Kept telling God/Buddha/whoever is up there to just take me away then.. To let me be with my mummy. Nothing is worth living for in my life now anyway. I can't stand being alive. But yet.. I managed to live on.. once again..  Spent the night at Ann's and Aunt Janet took good care of me. So embarrassing to make her worry about me the whole night. She's no longer young and still has to take care of her own son and family.. And now, even me.. I fe...

Just realized that when I posted the previous blog post, it was also Benjamin Ching's death date 2 years ago.. :( Such an emotional night... Nothing's changed thus far.. I'm still in this emo, down mood. When people talk to me and make me laugh or smile, I still do that. But inside, I feel empty.. Nothing goes in. Was reading back on old emails and a lot of memories came flooding back. All the past relationships, all the sweet and angry email exchanges.. I kept them all. And reading back, I discovered that I've changed myself many many times, just to suit/match the man that I love then. Did I lose myself somewhere somehow along all these relationships? Am I still me? Chris S and pantry lady Ping jie both asked me the same question today - Have I moved on in my life? Anyone new in my life or any guy? Answer is no.. No man in my life. I'm dating myself every day and night. Then their next question is - Is it coz I still can't let go? I dunno.. I no longer know...

Haven't been able to sleep well, eat well or even have the mood to do much these days despite the wonderful news from my Raffles Hospital doctors that I can travel again and that I'm pretty recovered and back to normal. Still on medication but at least approval from doctor has been given to travel. :) Thanks to the lovely care and concern by Dr Teo Sek Khee and Dr Ramani for looking after me the last 1.5 years! Last Thursday marks the 24th lunar death date of my mummy and yesterday marks the 19th lunar death date of grandpa.. Have been missing and thinking of them a lot, daddy and aunt Mic too.. Was also thinking of grandma this morning as well. I really miss the people I love.. Be it family members or lost loves in my life.. Been feeling so lost, empty and lonely.. Emotional days and nights and I'm trying so hard to control. Sigh.. When will I learn to let go.. Or rather, when will you take me away.. So tired, so so tired of it all..

Spoke to Nath today. He's a good boss.. A very nice boss. Too bad I'm not reporting directly under him. Told him the situation within my direct team now and somehow, I couldn't control my tears and my sadness and cried in front of him. I like my options team, I like my work and my job. But.. if I have to report under the Ba La Ji aka Rubbish in chinese, then I really don't wanna stay on anymore. I can't stand working under a big piece of rubbish who knows nothing about what he does, who slacks all the time where his work is now split to be done by 4 people, who only talks but does shit. Nath asked me why I didn't raise my hand to take over Ash who has now left the company. I told Nath that I don't wanna be a manager to the rubbish and to another useless person, H, sitting next to me now. All that H does all day is surf the web, chat in office on tools like MSN, chat on whatsapp, check his hp and facebook, walk in and out of office and goes for tons of brea...

I know I still miss you... But is it the same for you? Dreamt of you a few times now.. Wonder if you miss me too.. Maybe I shouldn't think about this at all anymore.. Cried myself to sleep the whole of last night.. Life is shit

I've finally done it.. I've deleted my "friends" from Facebook. Initially my intention was only to unfollow them but after clicking the unfollow button, I thought to myself.. Doubt anyone's gonna miss me anyway, hence the unfriend button was hit. I do feel lighter now though since it's been quite a few times that I see them going out without asking me along. So not seeing anything or treating such people as friends is no longer a loss to me.  Had dinner with Yuhui just now. Sooo happy that she's preggers!! I will and must take good care of her in office now. Hehehe. We had some private talk about office and personal stuff. Basically we feel that office mood is now super demoralizing and definitely not as fun and good as before. We won't be surprised if more people resign or get retrenched. Sigh... We spoke about my relationship life as well. Obviously it's empty right now though I did dream of Eeyore again last night. But.. I doubt it's gonna w...

1st, define the meaning of friends. Then, define the meaning of True Friends? To be honest, this 1 year plus has made me realized that a lot of so called friends are actually.. better known as acquaintances. If that's the case, then the so called true friends should be better known as friends with/or benefits? But I have known since long ago, not to expect too much from people. If my own cousins, niece and nephew can not care and treat me as transparent, let alone people I consider my friends. As such is human nature ain't it? When you are not rich, famous or of any use, then why should anyone really care or bother about your existence or whether you are alive or dead? So pls stop telling me I'm your friend, or good friend or girlie forever. Such terms carry NO meaning to me anymore. All you care about is yourself and when you whatsapp or msg or call me, it's always with a hidden meaning behind it. Which is why I'll rather not reply at all. Or if I really can,...

Almost one year has gone by now and by looking at someone's Facebook and instagram, maybe it is also time for me to move on as well? I no longer know.. A little sad, disheartened, disappointed but.. Life has to move on somehow, somewhat.. What was I hanging to all this while? Or was I even hanging on to anything at all?  Was nearly knocked down by a cab on 14 April - 140414. A lot of 4s? Beautiful date to say bye to this world? And to think that the night before the date, I was in bed and a similar image flashed past me where I got knocked down by the same type of cab at the same junction. Déjà vu situation again? And while I was on my bed when the image came to mind, I told Buddha/gods in the sky that should it really happen, then pls lemme die on the spot or die eventually but not lemme suffer too much pain or be a burden to my family. And the same scenario happened the next day but thankfully I escaped unscathed.  Last night while tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep ...

If what happened today is meant to be a pre April Fool's Day joke, then it's the worst joke of all times..  My ex-boss aka Pritpal has been retrenched.. The man whom I respect the most, the man who is always cheerful and generous, the man who trusts me with a lot of stuff.. I might never have the chance to be in this department if it wasn't for him.. He hired me to this team.. And entrusted me with a lot of things.  Cried on the MRT when he replied my sms to him. I'll never forget that day I went for interview with him.. It was a Friday and I still wore formal clothes. He came in to the room wearing jeans, sat down soooo casually slouching on his chair and simply chatted with me. Not even interviewed me. Chatted. Then he asked me some simple questions as he said was "to satisfy HR".  Then he told me to wait in the room as he wanted to see if other traders wanted to "interview" me. And 1 by 1, traders in the team "interviewed" me....

Is it me? I feel like I'm having a lot of deja vu moments.. Scenes that have happened before, places I've been to before, food and restaurants that I've eaten at before, conversations that have taken place before... To be honest, I'm feeling lost and confused..  Bumped into Roy early yesterday morning when I was on my way to get breakfast. Only had time to say hi as lift came at the same time. Then, a series of unfortunate events happened.. Spilt hot coffee on my right hand and all over my hp and wallet..  Nearly lost my staff pass but a kind soul found it and passed it to my dept coordinator. That scene was somehow déjà vu.. Then I screwed up some stuff at work.. And on my way home, I nearly fell down the escalator as my heel got trapped at my pants...  Today things got better.. But today I bumped into Tom. Another déjà vu scene somehow but not sure when or why.. He didn't see me (again?) as he was looking at his hp.. Oh well.. I'll always be wishing the best f...