Happiness Elusion

Just realized that when I posted the previous blog post, it was also Benjamin Ching's death date 2 years ago.. :( Such an emotional night...

Nothing's changed thus far.. I'm still in this emo, down mood. When people talk to me and make me laugh or smile, I still do that. But inside, I feel empty.. Nothing goes in. Was reading back on old emails and a lot of memories came flooding back. All the past relationships, all the sweet and angry email exchanges.. I kept them all. And reading back, I discovered that I've changed myself many many times, just to suit/match the man that I love then. Did I lose myself somewhere somehow along all these relationships? Am I still me?

Chris S and pantry lady Ping jie both asked me the same question today - Have I moved on in my life? Anyone new in my life or any guy? Answer is no.. No man in my life. I'm dating myself every day and night. Then their next question is - Is it coz I still can't let go? I dunno.. I no longer know.. It's been a year plus now.. Yet.. I think this is the longest time I've gone unattached and single with no man by my side at all.

Happiness continues to elude me..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rumour

Went to a club at Clarke Quay last nite called Rumour with the regulars from Instinct. The club is kinda like Dragonfly but the music is not as good, the live band and singers were also not that good. The lead singer who is supposedly the most handsome has got a whiney voice when he sings. Shudders.. Think I still prefer DF anytime, any day. Reached home at 6 and slept at 6.30am.. Tiring.. I have been pubbing and clubbing 6 nites in a row.. Think I need to cut down and relax a bit. But, drinking is a form of relaxation coz I get to talk to friends and enjoy. :p Had a chat with Mingjie (another regular at Instinct) last nite. He truly impressed me by wooing the same girl for 7 years! He knew her 10 years ago, got together for 3 years, broke up and tried wooing her back for 7 years. It's truly fascinating. I'm amazed and at the same time, envious. No guy have ever wooed me for so long.. All just want me to be their gf within days or weeks. Any longer, they give up or pressure me ...
Read more

disappointed n jer's departure...

been a little disappointed with friends.. the term 'friends'.. what does it actually mean? someone u can talk to, someone who will be there for u? how many people can do that for a long time? i'm not very sure but i used to try n keep it contact with close friends in the past. i did all i could to stay in touch n find out what's going on in their lives so that our friendship can stay strong. however, that wasn't the case. 1 fine day, i finally decided to stop taking the initiative to remain in contact with them n the result was, they didn't bother either. what happened to the friendship between us? i'm not sure. but it takes 2 hands to clap n i don't understand y i always have to be the one who makes it happen. i've lost many friends coz of that. upset.. of coz i was. i've always treasured friendships but i don't see the point of hanging on if the friendship is so 1-sided. disappointed.. i've always believed that to be friends, we have to...
Read more

celebration

went to zouk again today.. to winebar this time. was there to celebrate the getting of results n the fact that we have finally graduated. saw my sim yr 1 crush, dave, there as well. seems like he's becoming less cute as the yrs go by. no longer interested in him since yr 2. haha. he was there with his usual group from rmit.. namely ben, alex, etc. was at winebar with wayne, victor, shaun, zijun, n tom. got to know a few people... leland n xavier. xavier is this guy who's a new n uprising artiste from channel u. he looks a lot like harlem yu but he's very westernised. guess it's coz he studied n grew up in the united states.he's quite interesting n friendly. :p quite nice to know him. my rash has been appearing quite a lot these days. it's been really itchy. makes me wanna tear the skin apart. wonder y it's suddenly popping out again when i don't think i'm suffering from any stress these days. i mean, now that results r out, there's nothing ...
Read more