2 year timeline..

August 4th came and went.. Mummy's been gone for 24 years now. How I wish I had kept my promise to her and gone along with her. I've always told her that no matter where she goes, even if she dies, I'll go with her. Yet here I am, typing this post.. Still alive. Hate myself for not keeping my promise to her. Hate myself for living so long. Hate myself for everything...

Fell sick again over the weekend. Vomited so much on Saturday and Sunday night that even my gall juice came out. Such a horrible bitter after taste. Kept telling God/Buddha/whoever is up there to just take me away then.. To let me be with my mummy. Nothing is worth living for in my life now anyway. I can't stand being alive. But yet.. I managed to live on.. once again.. 

Spent the night at Ann's and Aunt Janet took good care of me. So embarrassing to make her worry about me the whole night. She's no longer young and still has to take care of her own son and family.. And now, even me.. I feel bad.. Like a burden to everyone. 

Been thinking about Eeyore the last 2 months. Obviously he has moved on happily in his life. Traveling, eating good food, partying, etc. And I'm still stagnant here. 1 more month and it would have been and could have been our 6 years together.. While I'm still stupidly sitting here waiting, I know deep down in my heart that nothing's going to happen at all on that day. He will probably be too busy enjoying his life to even remember. 

I gave myself a 2 year time line.. I guess, it's time for me to move on now as well.. In a month's time. But til then, I know I'll still be stupidly thinking and waiting. As I look at cars driving past me while I'm on the bus, I'll look in at the windows to see what the driver and passenger are doing.. And think back on how I'll put my hand on his leg or hand, just to show my love and affection in simple ways like that. And I'll get all emotional thinking of that. 

Stupid me, stop thinking and looking back.. Coz obviously no one is missing you or thinking of you at all. WAKE UP and stop dreaming! 

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