When I Dream~

What is going on in my life these days?? Gosh.. I no longer know... Finding out more shit about my own sis... I really.. am speechless. No longer know what to say or think. I can't even stand seeing her face now - yes, it's gotten to that bad and to that extent. I don't even acknowledge her presence despite her being right in front of me. I can't forgive nor forget coz I am still finding out more shit about her. So tired of it all.. So tired of hating her.. So tired of life... And funnily enough, somehow over the last couple of months, a few of my ex-bfs have managed to "find" me and suddenly regain contact with me. 1st was Stuart whom I happened to bump into as his office is now next to my office building. Hence, close proximity in office area = easier to bump into each other. He's asked me out quite a few times now but I've only gone out with him once thus far. After all, he's married though he doesn't seem too happy in the marriage. But....

Sorry for the vulgar heading and the very vulgar post below but I seriously need to rant.  Just when I thought things were starting to look better.. Or rather, maybe it's just coz I'm starting to not think about that fucker in my life aka my sister and her problems anymore, the same shit issues came back to haunt me. Seriously... I'm so sick and tired of her excuses and lies and bullshit that I'm not gonna give her respect or be nice to her anymore.  If you wanna move back to stay with me, I have all along said I'm ok with it. But don't try and twist the story and act pitiful and make the whole extended family believe the wrong things. Did you even tell them that you fucking told me to sell my house to move to your fucking smelly house so that you can still stay in your place?? Of coz I won't sell my place. Why should I?? I'm not the one wanting a fucking divorce and having to give half the money back to my husband. You are the one! You should be selling...

Spent the night watching the results of the general election.. Spent the whole time crying as well. Not coz of the results, but...  I really don't understand life.. Why must it be so tough on me? I know there are lots of others out there with even tougher lives such as refugees, people with no food etc. But how much more can I take in my own life now? With a sister like mine, I really wonder... Ever since 2013, everytime when we meet.. I end up crying and wondering why.. A sister who either doesn't think about things or when she does, most times I hear bullshit, crap, rubbish or lies. And most times she only thinks about herself. Haven't I suffered and lost enough by now coz of her husband (or soon to be ex-husband) and her? And yet, I'm still being "tortured" by such nonsense from her.  Seriously how much more can I take? Told ann and ky last night that should I go down the same road as my mummy, it's all coz of my sister... I won't be surprised if I ...

At 1 of my trader's (Sunil) farewell party earlier tonight.. He was Eeyore's boss for a few years before he became the head trader of 1 of the desks that I supported so obviously he knew about Eeyore and me.. And so, he started asking me why we separated and all the questions if I still miss him etc etc.. And I teared in front of him... I'm just so bloody weak and useless.  He always thought that Eeyore and I were a perfect match and he always supported us being together. So of coz, he started doing his thing of asking if I still wanna be together with Eeyore and that he will try to help us get together again. And immediately he started whatsapping Eeyore and stuff in front of me.. So embarrassing!!  At the end of the party when I was about to leave, he told me that Eeyore has promised to speak to me and maybe see if we can get together. I'm not sure how true or if it will really happen but I'm not gonna probe. Don't think I wanna keep dwelling about it.....

Mummy's been gone for a quarter of a century now. And I still miss her everyday.. Wish she was still here and I can tell her all my problems or unhappiness. Sigh... Wonder how my mummy is now. Maybe if there's really such a thing as reincarnation, my mummy will be a fresh grad by now!! :) Not sure if it's coz I've been missing mummy and daddy too much.. Been dreaming of Eeyore again the last few nights. Dreamt that he was by my side comforting and consoling me, hugging me and making me feel better. Sigh.. At the rate this is going, will I go mad or insane soon? Maybe I just need someone to slap me and tell me to wake up my stupid bloody ideas and dreams.. Everything in my life is nothing but a dream. What is real in my life anymore? I no longer know.. Maybe only the sadness in my life is real now.  Going to Hong Kong for holiday tomorrow but I feel no excitement at all. Even when being on leave the last few days, I only feel tired and drained.. Becoming emotionl...

Haven't blogged in a while.. Fell sick yet again.. Sigh.. Had fever for a couple of days, then blocked/runny nose and followed by cough.. Friends have been telling me that I'm a lot weaker than before. Yeah, I think so too.. But nothing much I can do about it. Out of my control now I feel..  Met up with several friends and even their parents! Had a nice time with Sid and his parents who were in town a couple of weeks back. And I had coffee and dinner again with Stevo and his bro and mum who were in town from Taiwan! :) Amazingly they still remember soooo many things from the last time we met last year! Gosh.. I don't even remember most of it but they remember it as clear as day! They still reminded me where we sat at PS Cafe the last time we met, what we ordered/ate for dinner and they could even recall that I helped an old foreigner lady on a cab and even carried her heavy bags of groceries for her while helping her on the cab! I hardly recall it at all but as they kept...

Amazingly I've been with the company for 10 years now. How time flies... And I'm back with my old department of 4 years before I went on the London trip. What a twist of events! Health couldn't take it so I requested for a transfer back and as luck would have it, the dude B that I totally dislike transfered to Hk and I was able to move back.  Life back in this department has been ok so far.  Everyone's nicer and better to me and I've got a much better and hardworking backup. I'm happier in more ways now, other than at home with family stuff. Been meeting up with several friends and people once in a while and have even gone drinking sometimes but of coz I drink a whole lot lesser now compared to before. The only problem is... After a week or so, I can't remember who I've meet or where I went for dinner. If people tell me I've been to the place before, most times I don't even have an impression.  That's how bad the brains are now.. Sigh... Joyc...

Everyone kept saying they envy me - Just joined this team for 1.5 months and I'm on a business trip to London for a week (21-28 Mar 2015). Taking business class flight on SQ for 12-14 hours, staying in service apartment and in such nice cooling weather as well. In some ways, yes it is nice and definitely worth the envy.. But to me.. It is nothing more than a torture. Not that I don't like London and I most certainly love taking airplanes especially SQ.. It's just that.. London/Europe was the 2nd last place we travelled to before I went into the coma and has always brought back fond memories of us coz it was the place I truly, totally fell in love with him and became submissive to him. Not that I know why that happened. Maybe being in a Western world helped. I remember we were so in love then. Holding each other's hands the whole time or hugging each other. Cuddling together, little pecks on the cheeks/forehead/lips on and off as we walked. Being here right now is a ...

Someone up there must love playing cruel jokes on me.. He wandered into my new office area today looking for 1 of the bosses.. Of all days, today... It would have been our 4.5 years today, if we were still together... As such is life.. Stop playing such cruel jokes on me pls... Just take me away..

So... It's official.. He has someone new in his life now. Had to pass him some letters on Monday. He does look happy and in bliss now. Time for me to move on? I wish I could but easier said than done isn't it? I can only wish him happiness from now on..  Looking at all the couples on the streets everyday.. I do miss having someone holding my hand, walking aimlessly around malls. I do miss having someone hug me or putting his hand around my waist.. I do miss having someone kiss me gently.. Wiping my tears away when I'm watching a sad show.. I do miss having someone comfort & console me when I'm stressed or unhappy.. I do miss chatting on the phone and smiling to myself like a silly girl..  I miss... too many things..  Will I ever find someone again? I wonder.. No one knows. Only time will tell. But how much time do I have left? Again, no one knows.. Life is too unpredictable.. 

Sigh... No longer know what to say.. 1st night in Hk yesterday and I dreamt of Eeyore again.. As if dreaming of him almost once or twice a week in Sg is not enough... What am I gonna do man? Sigh... And as I was putting the new amulet I got this year into my wallet just now, out came a photo of us being happy together.. And during dinner just now, grandaunt Keng kept asking me to get a bf and get married soon. :( I would have been happily married now had it not been coz of.... All I can say again is.. Fml... I'm just not meant or destined to have happiness in my life. Happiness eludes me.  Glad to be in Hk again this year though. Met my aging and ailing grandaunt again. I miss and love her heaps but it's not easy to get to meet her. :( met up with Keith Shiu earlier and had a great time with his twin boys again!! And his wife Victoria is expecting a baby girl due on May!! Sooo happy for them!!! Meeting Charlito tomorrow and Irene and Mardi on Friday. Then Ashley on Sat morning ...

Been blogging a lot more lately it seems.. But wanted to get this off my chest/mind I guess... Had a bad dream last night.. I was at home and hanging my laundry when I noticed that there were huge (and I really mean huge) crows downstairs at the void deck looking upwards. I was scared as I've always been afraid of crows. Quickly hung up all the clothes at the balcony and contemplated if I should close the windows for fear if the crows flying into the house. Decided to close the windows in the end.  Then it was while I was closing the windows that I realised 3 of them were lying at the ledge of my window grill (don't ask me how they can squeeze there.. It's a dream.. Anything can happen!). I did my best to close the windows as gently as I could to not disturb them. Managed to avoid waking 1 of them.. As I continued to close the windows, 1 of them woke to and as I hurried to close the windows real tight, it squeezed through the grills and flew into the house!!  I dashed into ...

Went to see gram this morning per usual, and was pleasantly surprised! Gram was wide awake and even said a couple of words though we weren't able to hear clearly what she was saying. I'm over the moon!!!! It's been a long long long long time since gram actually opened her eyes and acknowledged us!! :)))))) Can't stop smiling at the sight of gram this morning whenever I think about it. And I did what gram used to do for me when I was young - rub cream all over her legs as she has some bed sores and eczema sprouting up. When I was in Secondary School and JC, she would purposely wake me up 15 mins earlier. Not by shaking or waking me up but by switching on the light and sitting on my bed, rubbing cream all over my eczema filled arms and legs. And that was how I gradually recovered from eczema and got rid of some of the scars. I'll never ever forget those days coz it was gram's tender loving care that made me look beautiful. :) I'm such a crybaby.. Just thinki...

And so, my birthday came and went. Another year older, another year wiser? Not sure about the wiser part but definitely feel old. Thank you to my family and friends for remembering and the meals that I've been having! But it has also made me see who really care for me! :) 2014 is now gone. Start of 2015.. What will this year bring? I wonder.. Will it be another bad year again? The positivity in me has vanished... Too much bad stuff in my life that it's worn me out thoroughly.  Heard this song on radio as Jianwei was sending me home... Suits me to the core..  一辈子的孤单 - 刘若英 我想我会一直孤单 这一辈子都这么孤单 我想我会一直孤单 这样孤单一辈子 天空越蔚蓝 越怕抬头看 电影越圆满 就越觉得伤感 有越多的时间 就越觉得不安 因为我总是孤单 过着孤单的日子 喜欢的人不出现 出现的人不喜欢 有的爱犹豫不决 还在想他就离开 想过要将就一点 却发现将就更难 于是我学着乐观 过着孤单的日子 当孤单已经变成一种习惯 习惯到我已经不再去想该怎么办 就算心烦意乱 就算没有人作伴 自由和落寞之间怎么换算 我独自走在街上看着天空找不到答案 我没有答案 天空已蔚蓝 我会抬头看 电影越圆满 就越珍惜伤感 有越多的时间 就越习惯不安 因为我总会孤单 过着孤单的日子 我想我会一直孤单