When I Dream~

Just realized that when I posted the previous blog post, it was also Benjamin Ching's death date 2 years ago.. :( Such an emotional night... Nothing's changed thus far.. I'm still in this emo, down mood. When people talk to me and make me laugh or smile, I still do that. But inside, I feel empty.. Nothing goes in. Was reading back on old emails and a lot of memories came flooding back. All the past relationships, all the sweet and angry email exchanges.. I kept them all. And reading back, I discovered that I've changed myself many many times, just to suit/match the man that I love then. Did I lose myself somewhere somehow along all these relationships? Am I still me? Chris S and pantry lady Ping jie both asked me the same question today - Have I moved on in my life? Anyone new in my life or any guy? Answer is no.. No man in my life. I'm dating myself every day and night. Then their next question is - Is it coz I still can't let go? I dunno.. I no longer know...

Haven't been able to sleep well, eat well or even have the mood to do much these days despite the wonderful news from my Raffles Hospital doctors that I can travel again and that I'm pretty recovered and back to normal. Still on medication but at least approval from doctor has been given to travel. :) Thanks to the lovely care and concern by Dr Teo Sek Khee and Dr Ramani for looking after me the last 1.5 years! Last Thursday marks the 24th lunar death date of my mummy and yesterday marks the 19th lunar death date of grandpa.. Have been missing and thinking of them a lot, daddy and aunt Mic too.. Was also thinking of grandma this morning as well. I really miss the people I love.. Be it family members or lost loves in my life.. Been feeling so lost, empty and lonely.. Emotional days and nights and I'm trying so hard to control. Sigh.. When will I learn to let go.. Or rather, when will you take me away.. So tired, so so tired of it all..

Spoke to Nath today. He's a good boss.. A very nice boss. Too bad I'm not reporting directly under him. Told him the situation within my direct team now and somehow, I couldn't control my tears and my sadness and cried in front of him. I like my options team, I like my work and my job. But.. if I have to report under the Ba La Ji aka Rubbish in chinese, then I really don't wanna stay on anymore. I can't stand working under a big piece of rubbish who knows nothing about what he does, who slacks all the time where his work is now split to be done by 4 people, who only talks but does shit. Nath asked me why I didn't raise my hand to take over Ash who has now left the company. I told Nath that I don't wanna be a manager to the rubbish and to another useless person, H, sitting next to me now. All that H does all day is surf the web, chat in office on tools like MSN, chat on whatsapp, check his hp and facebook, walk in and out of office and goes for tons of brea...

I know I still miss you... But is it the same for you? Dreamt of you a few times now.. Wonder if you miss me too.. Maybe I shouldn't think about this at all anymore.. Cried myself to sleep the whole of last night.. Life is shit