feelings..
jus finished watching the national kidney foundation (nkf) show on tv just now. i always cry when i watch that show coz i see the patients suffering and i feel very sad. for years, when i watch the stories of the patients, 1 thought always cross my mind.
the same thought is.. what will happen if 1 of them is me? i've always felt that i'll never be able to live long. i still feel that. i've never wanted to live for long anyway. i've always done things that i don't regret so even if i were to die right now, i won't regret anything. i've lived my life to the fullest for 22 years and i've been happy. i have no fear of dying. the only thing is.. i don't want to suffer before i can die.. i don't want to die coz i have an illness. sudden death is ok.. such as accidents or whatnots.. but no diseases and illnesses.
but what if i have some illness or disease that requires long term taking care of? i've always wondered.. if i were married and i have some illness, will my husband take care of me and still love me? i'm not sure about that. i've always had doubts. but honestly, i don't want to be a burden to anyone. i think, even if i were to have some serious illness, i won't tell anyone and i will definitely ask for a break up or a divorce.
i know lots of people will say that it's not the right thing to do.. but somehow, that's how i feel. today, there was a story on this old lady who had kidney problems. her 70 year old hubby was still by her side supporting and encouraging her. i was so touched that i cried. so many of the featured stories about this people really touched my heart with their love, care and support for each other. will i be able to do that or have that sort of fortune? i'm not sure but i'll push it away.. i yearn for it yet i hate to be a burden. i'm so ironic.
what do i acutally want? sigh.. i am not sure myself.
n tomorrow, i have to talk to my boss about resigning. i hate to disappoint him but i've got no choice. he's not young and it's the busy season but i hope he'll let me off.. i'll owe him big time if he does.. hopefully.. hope he's big-hearted enough.. cross my fingers..
the same thought is.. what will happen if 1 of them is me? i've always felt that i'll never be able to live long. i still feel that. i've never wanted to live for long anyway. i've always done things that i don't regret so even if i were to die right now, i won't regret anything. i've lived my life to the fullest for 22 years and i've been happy. i have no fear of dying. the only thing is.. i don't want to suffer before i can die.. i don't want to die coz i have an illness. sudden death is ok.. such as accidents or whatnots.. but no diseases and illnesses.
but what if i have some illness or disease that requires long term taking care of? i've always wondered.. if i were married and i have some illness, will my husband take care of me and still love me? i'm not sure about that. i've always had doubts. but honestly, i don't want to be a burden to anyone. i think, even if i were to have some serious illness, i won't tell anyone and i will definitely ask for a break up or a divorce.
i know lots of people will say that it's not the right thing to do.. but somehow, that's how i feel. today, there was a story on this old lady who had kidney problems. her 70 year old hubby was still by her side supporting and encouraging her. i was so touched that i cried. so many of the featured stories about this people really touched my heart with their love, care and support for each other. will i be able to do that or have that sort of fortune? i'm not sure but i'll push it away.. i yearn for it yet i hate to be a burden. i'm so ironic.
what do i acutally want? sigh.. i am not sure myself.
n tomorrow, i have to talk to my boss about resigning. i hate to disappoint him but i've got no choice. he's not young and it's the busy season but i hope he'll let me off.. i'll owe him big time if he does.. hopefully.. hope he's big-hearted enough.. cross my fingers..
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