When I Dream~

I became Humpty Dumpty today. All thanks to the woman known as my sister and her part time cleaner. Hand washing clothes but not wringing them dry and just letting them drip freely in the balcony with no pails or rags underneath to contain/absorb the water.  I had a slip previously due to that as well (a month or 2 ago) but managed to grab hold of the window grills to minimize the impact. And this time round, I fell all the way and hit the tail end of my spinal cord, my elbows and a bit of my head. If I ever become cripple or paralysed, I know who to blame. But as I fell and after the fall, I wondered and asked god... Why??? Why can't you just let me hit my head so hard that it bleeds and I die on the spot??? Or maybe just let me hit it so hard that I go into a coma again and just die from there???  I really see no point in living and esp more so than ever now. I'm just so so so so tired of it all. I can't take it much longer. I think I'm gonna go mad soon! Like my 2nd ...

Seriously can't help but have to let it out of my chest. If you have time for anything and everything under the sun and yet can't find time to visit your own grandma after moving back to my place and staying so nearby grandma's home, then what the fuck good are you?? So stop proclaiming how much you love your family and that they are the most important people to you in your life. Cut the fucking act in front of others and acting filial when you are just a piece of shit who is good for nothing and cares only for yourself! Go fuck yourself! Karma will come to you eventually and I'll say.. You fucking deserve it! 

Somehow the feeling has been strong the last 2 nights... Not sure if it's coz I'm too tired out from starting work at 3+am on Wednesday night due to US presidential elections. But the feeling is back for sure... I'm not gonna make it and I wonder how many people will actually really be sad to see me go and come to say goodbye to me 1 last time.  The other symptoms are here as well.. Eyes are slightly swollen that I have difficulty putting on and removing my contact lens.. Rashes on face again.. Super dry skin all over.. I don't mind as long as I don't suffer any pain and if I can close my eyes at night to never open them again. I'm fine with it. Just that should anything happen to me, I'm just hoping that my grandma will continue to be cared for. That's my only wish. 

Seriously can't help but think that I'm not meant to have happiness.. More drama in my life.. Aunt Marg has been diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.. And once again I'm sandwiched in between the family. Sigh... Honestly how much more sad, unhappy, unlucky stuff are gonna befall on my family or me?!!! Tired... Really damn tired of it all....

Met up with 2 of my secondary school besties for dinner just now - Suzhen and Lam Ni. Haven't seen Suzhen for a few years and haven't seen Lam Ni since secondary school or JC days! Time has passed me by too quickly! But glad to meet them again and had a good time catching up :) Suzhen commented accurately on my life.. Exactly what I always felt - my life is full of ups and downs like a drama serial, just that it has so much more downs than ups. Despite not meeting nor talking for so many years, she can still feel what I feel. :) that's what true friends are made of.  Haven't been happy for a while now again. Just realised that someone else has been taking me for granted. No appreciation nor gratitude for things that I help to do or get. Hardly even a thank you and even had complaints/grumbles/displeasure about not fulfilling the requests or getting the right stuff. I don't even think it was my duty or responsibility to do it anyway. But now I know and I will learn m...

Had a horrible weekend, couldn't sleep well last night and went to work in a relatively bad mood. I peeped at Eeyore's desk as per usual again today.. Ever since we changed seats in office a few months back, he sits 2 rows in front of me and I can see his back when I peep through the throng of monitors. He was on leave last week and came back today. Last Friday would have been our 8th year anniversary if we were still together.. 16 Sep 2008... We started dating. I still tear whenever I think of that day.. :(  Suddenly at 3+pm, when I was very busy as we had system outage for 1 hour plus and I was trying to rush all the backlog of work due to that, Harmanie pinged me on chat and told me "another one bites the dust". Somehow the minute I saw that line, I had a feeling it was Eeyore so I asked Harmanie who.. And I was correct.. My heart sank immediately and I peeped through the monitors and true enough, his desk was totally cleaned out and he was no longer there. A wa...

Dreamt of him again last night... Dreamt that we got back together and that he proposed to me again.... Sigh.... Dreams... Why is that my heart and mind still can't let go of him? Why is it so tough??  Bee told me that I need to find another man to divert my attention and to get over him. Not as easy and simple... How to find another man with a sister like mine? Guess I'm bound to be single all my life.. But then again, I don't even wanna live long so why bother? Just hope and wish and pray that I can say goodbye forever and die asap.. Sick and tired of all these... Work is shit.. People are shit.. I don't even know what I look forward to everyday anymore. No motivation, no satisfaction, totally no mood. :( thought I'll be happier and more relaxed after my Osaka/Kyoto trip but seems like I'm even more unhappy now. Guess the events in office and at home that happened after my trip in just 2 weeks has killed everything for me... Why not just kill me too??

Had a dream last night.. And woke up with my face covered in tears.. Dreamt of my beautiful mummy.. Dream started off beautiful and nice..I was running behind mummy and playing with her, laughing away... Next thing I know... Mummy was in a coffin and I was applying silver eye shadow for her.. Everyone around me was telling me mummy had gone.. Left me forever.. I refused to believe.. And that's when I woke up in tears... Even as I'm writing this post now... Or when I tell anyone about this dream... I just can't stop the tears!!! I seriously miss my mummy... So I went for a drink with Anoopster after work. I needed to de-stress.. He bought me drinks and made me laugh. Even said he loved me for bringing him into the job and allowing him to learn everything now. Told me to look to the future and not the past...  Yes... I've been helping people to the best of my abilities... But who's helping me and who's looking after me??? I really miss my mummy and all I wanna do...

On a super long bus ride to Felix's place for steamboat gathering dinner with Bee, Lynnie and Cher. Been a while since I last saw Felix.. And he's gonna be a dad soon! Happy for him!!  On this ride of 49 bus stops (I've been on the bus for almost an hour now..), I've got plenty of time to think and dwell on lots or stuff as usual.. Went past Tom's place and Howdy's place along the way and images flashbacked.. Not to mention that even while waiting for bus just now, I thought of Eeyore again.  Will I ever find the right one again? I wonder too.. How to? Honestly.. With so much nonsense at home.. This morning Aunt Marg just told me that her hubby met with accident again and told me not to lend me any money should he call to borrow from me. Sigh... Sometimes can't help but wonder.. My family relationships.. Built on money and lies? Without those 2 factors, I won't have a family? Dunno... Really dunno anymore. I just wish to be taken off the surface of this ...

Another long disappearing act from me from blogging.. And it's only coz I don't wanna keep blogging about unhappy stuff in my life esp relating to my sis anymore.. But yet.. Today's post is gonna be another unhappy one.. Just found out that Tom's (my 2nd longest ex bf that my whole family knows about other than Eeyore) dad has passed away today. It's a total shock to me as I remember vividly that uncle has always been very fit and healthy! My heart sank as I found out and after so many years of not seeing or talking much to Tom, I gathered my courage and left him a message on Facebook to get more details of the wake. I know my family's gonna be super upset with me if they find out that I'm attending a wake when it's still the CNY period (I have a very superstitious family), but.. I really wanna pay my last respects to this man who has all along been very kind and nice to me despite his fierce facade towards his own children. I can still remember how fea...