When I Dream~

Haven't blogged in ages.. only coz there's only unhappiness in my life and hardly any happiness. Didn't want to bog and make others upset reading my pathetic life. But can't help but want to post today... Today.. is the day that my ex-colleague aka Mummy Carissa's hubby got cremated. I was at the wake for Alex Daddy everyday to support mummy, Bernicia and Basile. I know the pain they are going through and i just wanted to be there for them. Alex daddy was always nice to me and really treated me as his half daughter just like mummy Carissa did. Both of them have been together for 31 years... and Alex daddy was mummy's 1st love. Broke my heart seeing the pain for them... And I can't help crying and tearing. The urge to call Eeyore is strong.. I feel like telling him everything.. Leaving Citi coz he's no longer working there.. That I still miss him and wish he's here for me.. To treasure life and the people around him.. That the dumb shit at my hous...

I became Humpty Dumpty today. All thanks to the woman known as my sister and her part time cleaner. Hand washing clothes but not wringing them dry and just letting them drip freely in the balcony with no pails or rags underneath to contain/absorb the water.  I had a slip previously due to that as well (a month or 2 ago) but managed to grab hold of the window grills to minimize the impact. And this time round, I fell all the way and hit the tail end of my spinal cord, my elbows and a bit of my head. If I ever become cripple or paralysed, I know who to blame. But as I fell and after the fall, I wondered and asked god... Why??? Why can't you just let me hit my head so hard that it bleeds and I die on the spot??? Or maybe just let me hit it so hard that I go into a coma again and just die from there???  I really see no point in living and esp more so than ever now. I'm just so so so so tired of it all. I can't take it much longer. I think I'm gonna go mad soon! Like my 2nd ...

Seriously can't help but have to let it out of my chest. If you have time for anything and everything under the sun and yet can't find time to visit your own grandma after moving back to my place and staying so nearby grandma's home, then what the fuck good are you?? So stop proclaiming how much you love your family and that they are the most important people to you in your life. Cut the fucking act in front of others and acting filial when you are just a piece of shit who is good for nothing and cares only for yourself! Go fuck yourself! Karma will come to you eventually and I'll say.. You fucking deserve it! 

Somehow the feeling has been strong the last 2 nights... Not sure if it's coz I'm too tired out from starting work at 3+am on Wednesday night due to US presidential elections. But the feeling is back for sure... I'm not gonna make it and I wonder how many people will actually really be sad to see me go and come to say goodbye to me 1 last time.  The other symptoms are here as well.. Eyes are slightly swollen that I have difficulty putting on and removing my contact lens.. Rashes on face again.. Super dry skin all over.. I don't mind as long as I don't suffer any pain and if I can close my eyes at night to never open them again. I'm fine with it. Just that should anything happen to me, I'm just hoping that my grandma will continue to be cared for. That's my only wish. 

Seriously can't help but think that I'm not meant to have happiness.. More drama in my life.. Aunt Marg has been diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.. And once again I'm sandwiched in between the family. Sigh... Honestly how much more sad, unhappy, unlucky stuff are gonna befall on my family or me?!!! Tired... Really damn tired of it all....

Met up with 2 of my secondary school besties for dinner just now - Suzhen and Lam Ni. Haven't seen Suzhen for a few years and haven't seen Lam Ni since secondary school or JC days! Time has passed me by too quickly! But glad to meet them again and had a good time catching up :) Suzhen commented accurately on my life.. Exactly what I always felt - my life is full of ups and downs like a drama serial, just that it has so much more downs than ups. Despite not meeting nor talking for so many years, she can still feel what I feel. :) that's what true friends are made of.  Haven't been happy for a while now again. Just realised that someone else has been taking me for granted. No appreciation nor gratitude for things that I help to do or get. Hardly even a thank you and even had complaints/grumbles/displeasure about not fulfilling the requests or getting the right stuff. I don't even think it was my duty or responsibility to do it anyway. But now I know and I will learn m...