When I Dream~

Can't believe that I dreamt of Eeyore last night... Dreamt that we went out and decided to watch a movie together.. And ended up... we held hands and kissed... and told each other how much we missed each other. It was such a beautiful and sweet dream.... How I wish it was true and I never had to wake up ever again.. Can't believe how much I still miss him... :'( 

Haven't blogged in ages.. only coz there's only unhappiness in my life and hardly any happiness. Didn't want to bog and make others upset reading my pathetic life. But can't help but want to post today... Today.. is the day that my ex-colleague aka Mummy Carissa's hubby got cremated. I was at the wake for Alex Daddy everyday to support mummy, Bernicia and Basile. I know the pain they are going through and i just wanted to be there for them. Alex daddy was always nice to me and really treated me as his half daughter just like mummy Carissa did. Both of them have been together for 31 years... and Alex daddy was mummy's 1st love. Broke my heart seeing the pain for them... And I can't help crying and tearing. The urge to call Eeyore is strong.. I feel like telling him everything.. Leaving Citi coz he's no longer working there.. That I still miss him and wish he's here for me.. To treasure life and the people around him.. That the dumb shit at my hous...

I became Humpty Dumpty today. All thanks to the woman known as my sister and her part time cleaner. Hand washing clothes but not wringing them dry and just letting them drip freely in the balcony with no pails or rags underneath to contain/absorb the water.  I had a slip previously due to that as well (a month or 2 ago) but managed to grab hold of the window grills to minimize the impact. And this time round, I fell all the way and hit the tail end of my spinal cord, my elbows and a bit of my head. If I ever become cripple or paralysed, I know who to blame. But as I fell and after the fall, I wondered and asked god... Why??? Why can't you just let me hit my head so hard that it bleeds and I die on the spot??? Or maybe just let me hit it so hard that I go into a coma again and just die from there???  I really see no point in living and esp more so than ever now. I'm just so so so so tired of it all. I can't take it much longer. I think I'm gonna go mad soon! Like my 2nd ...

Seriously can't help but have to let it out of my chest. If you have time for anything and everything under the sun and yet can't find time to visit your own grandma after moving back to my place and staying so nearby grandma's home, then what the fuck good are you?? So stop proclaiming how much you love your family and that they are the most important people to you in your life. Cut the fucking act in front of others and acting filial when you are just a piece of shit who is good for nothing and cares only for yourself! Go fuck yourself! Karma will come to you eventually and I'll say.. You fucking deserve it! 

Somehow the feeling has been strong the last 2 nights... Not sure if it's coz I'm too tired out from starting work at 3+am on Wednesday night due to US presidential elections. But the feeling is back for sure... I'm not gonna make it and I wonder how many people will actually really be sad to see me go and come to say goodbye to me 1 last time.  The other symptoms are here as well.. Eyes are slightly swollen that I have difficulty putting on and removing my contact lens.. Rashes on face again.. Super dry skin all over.. I don't mind as long as I don't suffer any pain and if I can close my eyes at night to never open them again. I'm fine with it. Just that should anything happen to me, I'm just hoping that my grandma will continue to be cared for. That's my only wish. 

Seriously can't help but think that I'm not meant to have happiness.. More drama in my life.. Aunt Marg has been diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.. And once again I'm sandwiched in between the family. Sigh... Honestly how much more sad, unhappy, unlucky stuff are gonna befall on my family or me?!!! Tired... Really damn tired of it all....

Met up with 2 of my secondary school besties for dinner just now - Suzhen and Lam Ni. Haven't seen Suzhen for a few years and haven't seen Lam Ni since secondary school or JC days! Time has passed me by too quickly! But glad to meet them again and had a good time catching up :) Suzhen commented accurately on my life.. Exactly what I always felt - my life is full of ups and downs like a drama serial, just that it has so much more downs than ups. Despite not meeting nor talking for so many years, she can still feel what I feel. :) that's what true friends are made of.  Haven't been happy for a while now again. Just realised that someone else has been taking me for granted. No appreciation nor gratitude for things that I help to do or get. Hardly even a thank you and even had complaints/grumbles/displeasure about not fulfilling the requests or getting the right stuff. I don't even think it was my duty or responsibility to do it anyway. But now I know and I will learn m...

Had a horrible weekend, couldn't sleep well last night and went to work in a relatively bad mood. I peeped at Eeyore's desk as per usual again today.. Ever since we changed seats in office a few months back, he sits 2 rows in front of me and I can see his back when I peep through the throng of monitors. He was on leave last week and came back today. Last Friday would have been our 8th year anniversary if we were still together.. 16 Sep 2008... We started dating. I still tear whenever I think of that day.. :(  Suddenly at 3+pm, when I was very busy as we had system outage for 1 hour plus and I was trying to rush all the backlog of work due to that, Harmanie pinged me on chat and told me "another one bites the dust". Somehow the minute I saw that line, I had a feeling it was Eeyore so I asked Harmanie who.. And I was correct.. My heart sank immediately and I peeped through the monitors and true enough, his desk was totally cleaned out and he was no longer there. A wa...

Dreamt of him again last night... Dreamt that we got back together and that he proposed to me again.... Sigh.... Dreams... Why is that my heart and mind still can't let go of him? Why is it so tough??  Bee told me that I need to find another man to divert my attention and to get over him. Not as easy and simple... How to find another man with a sister like mine? Guess I'm bound to be single all my life.. But then again, I don't even wanna live long so why bother? Just hope and wish and pray that I can say goodbye forever and die asap.. Sick and tired of all these... Work is shit.. People are shit.. I don't even know what I look forward to everyday anymore. No motivation, no satisfaction, totally no mood. :( thought I'll be happier and more relaxed after my Osaka/Kyoto trip but seems like I'm even more unhappy now. Guess the events in office and at home that happened after my trip in just 2 weeks has killed everything for me... Why not just kill me too??

Had a dream last night.. And woke up with my face covered in tears.. Dreamt of my beautiful mummy.. Dream started off beautiful and nice..I was running behind mummy and playing with her, laughing away... Next thing I know... Mummy was in a coffin and I was applying silver eye shadow for her.. Everyone around me was telling me mummy had gone.. Left me forever.. I refused to believe.. And that's when I woke up in tears... Even as I'm writing this post now... Or when I tell anyone about this dream... I just can't stop the tears!!! I seriously miss my mummy... So I went for a drink with Anoopster after work. I needed to de-stress.. He bought me drinks and made me laugh. Even said he loved me for bringing him into the job and allowing him to learn everything now. Told me to look to the future and not the past...  Yes... I've been helping people to the best of my abilities... But who's helping me and who's looking after me??? I really miss my mummy and all I wanna do...

On a super long bus ride to Felix's place for steamboat gathering dinner with Bee, Lynnie and Cher. Been a while since I last saw Felix.. And he's gonna be a dad soon! Happy for him!!  On this ride of 49 bus stops (I've been on the bus for almost an hour now..), I've got plenty of time to think and dwell on lots or stuff as usual.. Went past Tom's place and Howdy's place along the way and images flashbacked.. Not to mention that even while waiting for bus just now, I thought of Eeyore again.  Will I ever find the right one again? I wonder too.. How to? Honestly.. With so much nonsense at home.. This morning Aunt Marg just told me that her hubby met with accident again and told me not to lend me any money should he call to borrow from me. Sigh... Sometimes can't help but wonder.. My family relationships.. Built on money and lies? Without those 2 factors, I won't have a family? Dunno... Really dunno anymore. I just wish to be taken off the surface of this ...

Another long disappearing act from me from blogging.. And it's only coz I don't wanna keep blogging about unhappy stuff in my life esp relating to my sis anymore.. But yet.. Today's post is gonna be another unhappy one.. Just found out that Tom's (my 2nd longest ex bf that my whole family knows about other than Eeyore) dad has passed away today. It's a total shock to me as I remember vividly that uncle has always been very fit and healthy! My heart sank as I found out and after so many years of not seeing or talking much to Tom, I gathered my courage and left him a message on Facebook to get more details of the wake. I know my family's gonna be super upset with me if they find out that I'm attending a wake when it's still the CNY period (I have a very superstitious family), but.. I really wanna pay my last respects to this man who has all along been very kind and nice to me despite his fierce facade towards his own children. I can still remember how fea...

What is going on in my life these days?? Gosh.. I no longer know... Finding out more shit about my own sis... I really.. am speechless. No longer know what to say or think. I can't even stand seeing her face now - yes, it's gotten to that bad and to that extent. I don't even acknowledge her presence despite her being right in front of me. I can't forgive nor forget coz I am still finding out more shit about her. So tired of it all.. So tired of hating her.. So tired of life... And funnily enough, somehow over the last couple of months, a few of my ex-bfs have managed to "find" me and suddenly regain contact with me. 1st was Stuart whom I happened to bump into as his office is now next to my office building. Hence, close proximity in office area = easier to bump into each other. He's asked me out quite a few times now but I've only gone out with him once thus far. After all, he's married though he doesn't seem too happy in the marriage. But....

Sorry for the vulgar heading and the very vulgar post below but I seriously need to rant.  Just when I thought things were starting to look better.. Or rather, maybe it's just coz I'm starting to not think about that fucker in my life aka my sister and her problems anymore, the same shit issues came back to haunt me. Seriously... I'm so sick and tired of her excuses and lies and bullshit that I'm not gonna give her respect or be nice to her anymore.  If you wanna move back to stay with me, I have all along said I'm ok with it. But don't try and twist the story and act pitiful and make the whole extended family believe the wrong things. Did you even tell them that you fucking told me to sell my house to move to your fucking smelly house so that you can still stay in your place?? Of coz I won't sell my place. Why should I?? I'm not the one wanting a fucking divorce and having to give half the money back to my husband. You are the one! You should be selling...

Spent the night watching the results of the general election.. Spent the whole time crying as well. Not coz of the results, but...  I really don't understand life.. Why must it be so tough on me? I know there are lots of others out there with even tougher lives such as refugees, people with no food etc. But how much more can I take in my own life now? With a sister like mine, I really wonder... Ever since 2013, everytime when we meet.. I end up crying and wondering why.. A sister who either doesn't think about things or when she does, most times I hear bullshit, crap, rubbish or lies. And most times she only thinks about herself. Haven't I suffered and lost enough by now coz of her husband (or soon to be ex-husband) and her? And yet, I'm still being "tortured" by such nonsense from her.  Seriously how much more can I take? Told ann and ky last night that should I go down the same road as my mummy, it's all coz of my sister... I won't be surprised if I ...

At 1 of my trader's (Sunil) farewell party earlier tonight.. He was Eeyore's boss for a few years before he became the head trader of 1 of the desks that I supported so obviously he knew about Eeyore and me.. And so, he started asking me why we separated and all the questions if I still miss him etc etc.. And I teared in front of him... I'm just so bloody weak and useless.  He always thought that Eeyore and I were a perfect match and he always supported us being together. So of coz, he started doing his thing of asking if I still wanna be together with Eeyore and that he will try to help us get together again. And immediately he started whatsapping Eeyore and stuff in front of me.. So embarrassing!!  At the end of the party when I was about to leave, he told me that Eeyore has promised to speak to me and maybe see if we can get together. I'm not sure how true or if it will really happen but I'm not gonna probe. Don't think I wanna keep dwelling about it.....

Mummy's been gone for a quarter of a century now. And I still miss her everyday.. Wish she was still here and I can tell her all my problems or unhappiness. Sigh... Wonder how my mummy is now. Maybe if there's really such a thing as reincarnation, my mummy will be a fresh grad by now!! :) Not sure if it's coz I've been missing mummy and daddy too much.. Been dreaming of Eeyore again the last few nights. Dreamt that he was by my side comforting and consoling me, hugging me and making me feel better. Sigh.. At the rate this is going, will I go mad or insane soon? Maybe I just need someone to slap me and tell me to wake up my stupid bloody ideas and dreams.. Everything in my life is nothing but a dream. What is real in my life anymore? I no longer know.. Maybe only the sadness in my life is real now.  Going to Hong Kong for holiday tomorrow but I feel no excitement at all. Even when being on leave the last few days, I only feel tired and drained.. Becoming emotionl...

Haven't blogged in a while.. Fell sick yet again.. Sigh.. Had fever for a couple of days, then blocked/runny nose and followed by cough.. Friends have been telling me that I'm a lot weaker than before. Yeah, I think so too.. But nothing much I can do about it. Out of my control now I feel..  Met up with several friends and even their parents! Had a nice time with Sid and his parents who were in town a couple of weeks back. And I had coffee and dinner again with Stevo and his bro and mum who were in town from Taiwan! :) Amazingly they still remember soooo many things from the last time we met last year! Gosh.. I don't even remember most of it but they remember it as clear as day! They still reminded me where we sat at PS Cafe the last time we met, what we ordered/ate for dinner and they could even recall that I helped an old foreigner lady on a cab and even carried her heavy bags of groceries for her while helping her on the cab! I hardly recall it at all but as they kept...

Amazingly I've been with the company for 10 years now. How time flies... And I'm back with my old department of 4 years before I went on the London trip. What a twist of events! Health couldn't take it so I requested for a transfer back and as luck would have it, the dude B that I totally dislike transfered to Hk and I was able to move back.  Life back in this department has been ok so far.  Everyone's nicer and better to me and I've got a much better and hardworking backup. I'm happier in more ways now, other than at home with family stuff. Been meeting up with several friends and people once in a while and have even gone drinking sometimes but of coz I drink a whole lot lesser now compared to before. The only problem is... After a week or so, I can't remember who I've meet or where I went for dinner. If people tell me I've been to the place before, most times I don't even have an impression.  That's how bad the brains are now.. Sigh... Joyc...

Everyone kept saying they envy me - Just joined this team for 1.5 months and I'm on a business trip to London for a week (21-28 Mar 2015). Taking business class flight on SQ for 12-14 hours, staying in service apartment and in such nice cooling weather as well. In some ways, yes it is nice and definitely worth the envy.. But to me.. It is nothing more than a torture. Not that I don't like London and I most certainly love taking airplanes especially SQ.. It's just that.. London/Europe was the 2nd last place we travelled to before I went into the coma and has always brought back fond memories of us coz it was the place I truly, totally fell in love with him and became submissive to him. Not that I know why that happened. Maybe being in a Western world helped. I remember we were so in love then. Holding each other's hands the whole time or hugging each other. Cuddling together, little pecks on the cheeks/forehead/lips on and off as we walked. Being here right now is a ...