Happiness Elusion

Just realized that when I posted the previous blog post, it was also Benjamin Ching's death date 2 years ago.. :( Such an emotional night...

Nothing's changed thus far.. I'm still in this emo, down mood. When people talk to me and make me laugh or smile, I still do that. But inside, I feel empty.. Nothing goes in. Was reading back on old emails and a lot of memories came flooding back. All the past relationships, all the sweet and angry email exchanges.. I kept them all. And reading back, I discovered that I've changed myself many many times, just to suit/match the man that I love then. Did I lose myself somewhere somehow along all these relationships? Am I still me?

Chris S and pantry lady Ping jie both asked me the same question today - Have I moved on in my life? Anyone new in my life or any guy? Answer is no.. No man in my life. I'm dating myself every day and night. Then their next question is - Is it coz I still can't let go? I dunno.. I no longer know.. It's been a year plus now.. Yet.. I think this is the longest time I've gone unattached and single with no man by my side at all.

Happiness continues to elude me..

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